I believe in magic.
In fact, I always have. As long as I can remember, I have always had this ability to find magic in the world around me. Whether it's Disney magic, or Jesus magic, or love magic...it's always been something I hold onto. I feel like it makes the world more beautiful.
I love that song Firework by Katy Perry. I think it's a beautiful message of hope and self confidence. I think a song that encourages people to look inside themselves and find that magic firework is a great song to be in the top hits for sure.
That said, I think I'm struggling to find that magical spark in myself again. I don't know if it's just been replaced with a more jaded and sensible me....or if I'm just waiting to be surprised by the magic again. Either way, I was recently told by someone I had just met that he thought I was going to be "mean". He then proceeded to say he thought I was probably a "half-empty" person while he himself, of course, was half-full.
WHAT?! Half-empty?!! The only people who have ever said that about me are like...my parents when they're mad at me for PMSing. But a person who meets me one night and strikes up a conversation where I probably harassed him a little more than necessary thinks I'm mean?! This is something that has never been said about me before. I am not a mean person. I am a magic-lover! And magic-lovers by definition cannot be mean.
Apparently I have let the crazy of my life affect me in such a way that I've lost the ability to be open and magic-filled with new people. I've developed this guardedness that I've never had in the past. I'm afraid of letting people in because I'm so tired of hurting...I'm so tired of being that girl who let's herself get hurt over and over again. I have never been so guarded that hanging out with a new boy becomes a process of having to make-up for my apparent "meanness" from our first meeting.
I need to work on this jadedness I've developed. I don't want my past to so cloud who I am that people can't see my love for magic when they meet me. I want to be able to believe in the magic of falling in love again. I want to believe that my heart can be restored to it's original openness.
I know we're told to "guard our hearts" and whatever other stuff the Christian literature is feeding young women these days...but I still feel like there's something to be said for living with a heart so open that you feel every crushing blow. If you can keep it from scarring over and becoming hard and jaded, I truly believe you can make magic with a heart like that.
And that's what I want. To be restored to a heart that loves freely and fully...that still believes in the magic...
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Chaos
Anyone who has spent any amount of time in a place I am dwelling knows that I am no stranger to chaos. In fact, chaos and I have spent a lot of very sweet and intimate moments together in the past. We've been good friends who have lived together for many years and we generally get along dandy.
And then something happens. I never know what causes it, but I go into manic mode. I was like this even as a teenager...I would get so stressed out about something that my only option was the clean. I would painstakingly organize the most minute details of something until I crashed asleep on the floor or fell prey to the tears that I was probably holding back.
Today I hit manic mode. I actually think I've been ramping up to this mode with my crazy Jillian routine and insistence on not blowing out a knee in the near future, but today it came on full blown. I can no longer pretend to be content in the chaos of my life. And not just the physical chaos of my house, which has become horrendous and will get worse before it gets better as I move the rest of my stuff back in this week, but the chaos of my heart and my mind.
I am a fake open person. I am more than happy to share the gorey details of my lovelife with just about anyone who will listen. I think mostly because it's something to share that I don't find off-limits. Plus, the stories are so great that really people want to be friends with me at the end of it :)
There's just a lot of things that I think and I feel that I don't think I would ever be willing to say outloud. Not scary things, just things about myself and about life and about people. And I notice when I hit these times in my life where I really have to make a decision to be happy that I don't really make the decision to be happy. I really just make a decision to be. I throw myself into mind-numbing exercise, I come home from a friend's house at 11 pm and insist on immediately taking out the trash, scrubbing the stovetop, doing dishes, and sweeping the kitchen floor. I would rather deal with my emotional chaos by taking it out on the chaos I can touch and watch become organized.
And so I continue on in my personal chaos with a much cleaner kitchen until something comes along that so shakes me to my core it helps me reorganize my life again.
...because clearly the problem is that, while I may be fed up with the chaos of my heart...I am not ready to be done with it.
And then something happens. I never know what causes it, but I go into manic mode. I was like this even as a teenager...I would get so stressed out about something that my only option was the clean. I would painstakingly organize the most minute details of something until I crashed asleep on the floor or fell prey to the tears that I was probably holding back.
Today I hit manic mode. I actually think I've been ramping up to this mode with my crazy Jillian routine and insistence on not blowing out a knee in the near future, but today it came on full blown. I can no longer pretend to be content in the chaos of my life. And not just the physical chaos of my house, which has become horrendous and will get worse before it gets better as I move the rest of my stuff back in this week, but the chaos of my heart and my mind.
I am a fake open person. I am more than happy to share the gorey details of my lovelife with just about anyone who will listen. I think mostly because it's something to share that I don't find off-limits. Plus, the stories are so great that really people want to be friends with me at the end of it :)
There's just a lot of things that I think and I feel that I don't think I would ever be willing to say outloud. Not scary things, just things about myself and about life and about people. And I notice when I hit these times in my life where I really have to make a decision to be happy that I don't really make the decision to be happy. I really just make a decision to be. I throw myself into mind-numbing exercise, I come home from a friend's house at 11 pm and insist on immediately taking out the trash, scrubbing the stovetop, doing dishes, and sweeping the kitchen floor. I would rather deal with my emotional chaos by taking it out on the chaos I can touch and watch become organized.
And so I continue on in my personal chaos with a much cleaner kitchen until something comes along that so shakes me to my core it helps me reorganize my life again.
...because clearly the problem is that, while I may be fed up with the chaos of my heart...I am not ready to be done with it.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
"We did/do..."
Oh the beauty of the backslash.
I recently told someone not to fall in love with me. Mostly because at this point I can't handle anymore ridiculousness in the love department. Quite honestly, in the last month, I think every guy I have ever dated has shown up with a "we did/do" moment. Dear boys - I already know that I am awesome...and really, once you leave me to date/marry someone else you kind of give up your chance to tell me how great we were/are.
So I have made a decision to realign my focus. I have a month and....10 days to submit my match list. That's it. That means I have approximately 40 days to decide where God wants me to be for the next 3-6+ years of my life. It is horribly terrifying. I have always had a moment of peace or...assurance or...affirmation. This time it's a little different.
Not to say I'm not affirmed. Quite the opposite. I so fully and deeply love my job as a medical student, I cannot possibly wait to do the next thing. I am absolutely positive that my life was meant to be lived out as a physician. It is amazing to come home from work each day still energized because it was so awesome. It's a way I never expected to really feel, and I have felt it this whole time I've been doing outrotations.
Which is the issue. I cannot figure out for the life of me how to rank my programs. I love so many things about a few of them that I am just at a loss for how to make my final decision in the rank. I didn't get a light from heaven...I was just blissfully happy for 6 straight months.
I know that I just have to "have faith" and "pray about it". I get that. And I'm trying to do that. But, seriously. If you know anything about me at all, you know I'm a total control freak just trying to figure out my rotation for March...I'm not ready to make a decision on a place to SETTLE down for at least 3 years.
I keep getting annoyed at Mr. Wonderful for turning out to be Mr. Married. That brief period of time I thought we were going to be together, it made this decision process much easier.
But seriously...me? Settle down? I don't even know what that means.
If only I still "do" with someone...then at least all that "did" would seem to be a little more worth it.
Slasher Out.
I recently told someone not to fall in love with me. Mostly because at this point I can't handle anymore ridiculousness in the love department. Quite honestly, in the last month, I think every guy I have ever dated has shown up with a "we did/do" moment. Dear boys - I already know that I am awesome...and really, once you leave me to date/marry someone else you kind of give up your chance to tell me how great we were/are.
So I have made a decision to realign my focus. I have a month and....10 days to submit my match list. That's it. That means I have approximately 40 days to decide where God wants me to be for the next 3-6+ years of my life. It is horribly terrifying. I have always had a moment of peace or...assurance or...affirmation. This time it's a little different.
Not to say I'm not affirmed. Quite the opposite. I so fully and deeply love my job as a medical student, I cannot possibly wait to do the next thing. I am absolutely positive that my life was meant to be lived out as a physician. It is amazing to come home from work each day still energized because it was so awesome. It's a way I never expected to really feel, and I have felt it this whole time I've been doing outrotations.
Which is the issue. I cannot figure out for the life of me how to rank my programs. I love so many things about a few of them that I am just at a loss for how to make my final decision in the rank. I didn't get a light from heaven...I was just blissfully happy for 6 straight months.
I know that I just have to "have faith" and "pray about it". I get that. And I'm trying to do that. But, seriously. If you know anything about me at all, you know I'm a total control freak just trying to figure out my rotation for March...I'm not ready to make a decision on a place to SETTLE down for at least 3 years.
I keep getting annoyed at Mr. Wonderful for turning out to be Mr. Married. That brief period of time I thought we were going to be together, it made this decision process much easier.
But seriously...me? Settle down? I don't even know what that means.
If only I still "do" with someone...then at least all that "did" would seem to be a little more worth it.
Slasher Out.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Forget You
It's finally over...the crazy train has made a stop in Joplin and I got off. I'm pretty sure we both did. And while part of me is mad he didn't wait 2 more weeks to give me the chance, it's too late now to change history so the best thing I can do is clearly to be done. I have two songs that I've been alternating since everything went down so I figured they were share-worthy.
So now I'm in the process of taking these old rusty wings of mine and moving along.
Bluebird out.
So now I'm in the process of taking these old rusty wings of mine and moving along.
Bluebird out.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Back on Track
I was going to write this last night, but I went on my baby tirade and didn't want to overwhelm you.
So I'm in the predicament that I have now read two chapters and need to report on them both...and I can't skip one because they are both awesome..........decisions decisions.
Ok, I'll start from Chapter 6 and see how far I get.
Romans 6:2
"We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?"
Here's what I love about Paul - he talks like me. He's wordy and not concise and he makes you read his material over and over trying to get what he's saying. But then he has these moments of perfection (that part I haven't mastered!). He goes on and on in chapter 5 about how grace is increased where sin is increased, but he doesn't let you rationalize it out. He then right away stops you from your train of thought and says "no, that does not mean keep sinning so you can have more grace...but good effort".
I just love the matter-of-factness of the statement. We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? I feel like he probably wrote "duh" at the end of that and erased it because it wasn't cool to say yet.
I struggle with this process. Not with the idea of wanting to sin more, but of what it means to not live in sin. Technically, I have died to sin...but I continue to sin. I am by no means perfect and anyone who has spent more than 5 minutes with me can attest to this...loudly. The point is Galatians (that's right, I am cross-referencing...I think that means I just graduated!).
Galatians 2:20-21, that is, one of my all-time favorite verses:
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing"
I don't know if this is coming together...probably because I'm still trying to wrap my little brain around it all. This whole process is one that has baffled me, but if in my salvation I died to myself so that Christ might live in me, then it is the grace of God that covers my sins. I cannot live in sin, because Christ lives in me and He conquered sin.
I think it means that at the end of the day, I sin when I turn away from the grace offered to me, when I reject the leading of the Spirit, when I ignore Christ's direction in me. Even still, when I return to the grace freely offered me in my salvation, I've been covered because I've already claimed my eternal life. Sin does not have a hold on my life because it has been conquered by the One who should consume my being. It's when I give sin the foothold that I get into trouble.
See, Paul and I talk the same.
Ultimately, the point is that if Christ is living in me, then I have the power residing in my very soul to conquer the temptations that arise every day. "For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace" Romans 6:14.
It becomes a choice, I think. I have access to grace and strength and resurrecting power...but I am not always willing to tap into that power when I find myself in desperate need of that very thing. I can choose to offer my body to sin OR I can offer myself to God as an instrument for righteousness....which kind of sounds awesome-er.
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." v.23
Grace, strength, resurrecting power, AND eternal life? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal when pitted against that whole slave to sin and death thing. And that's the point of the grace thing...my sins are great, but Christ has paid the debt and has consumed my soul with Himself such that I can tap into the awesomeness that is a resurrected Savior.
So I'm in the predicament that I have now read two chapters and need to report on them both...and I can't skip one because they are both awesome..........decisions decisions.
Ok, I'll start from Chapter 6 and see how far I get.
Romans 6:2
"We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?"
Here's what I love about Paul - he talks like me. He's wordy and not concise and he makes you read his material over and over trying to get what he's saying. But then he has these moments of perfection (that part I haven't mastered!). He goes on and on in chapter 5 about how grace is increased where sin is increased, but he doesn't let you rationalize it out. He then right away stops you from your train of thought and says "no, that does not mean keep sinning so you can have more grace...but good effort".
I just love the matter-of-factness of the statement. We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? I feel like he probably wrote "duh" at the end of that and erased it because it wasn't cool to say yet.
I struggle with this process. Not with the idea of wanting to sin more, but of what it means to not live in sin. Technically, I have died to sin...but I continue to sin. I am by no means perfect and anyone who has spent more than 5 minutes with me can attest to this...loudly. The point is Galatians (that's right, I am cross-referencing...I think that means I just graduated!).
Galatians 2:20-21, that is, one of my all-time favorite verses:
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing"
I don't know if this is coming together...probably because I'm still trying to wrap my little brain around it all. This whole process is one that has baffled me, but if in my salvation I died to myself so that Christ might live in me, then it is the grace of God that covers my sins. I cannot live in sin, because Christ lives in me and He conquered sin.
I think it means that at the end of the day, I sin when I turn away from the grace offered to me, when I reject the leading of the Spirit, when I ignore Christ's direction in me. Even still, when I return to the grace freely offered me in my salvation, I've been covered because I've already claimed my eternal life. Sin does not have a hold on my life because it has been conquered by the One who should consume my being. It's when I give sin the foothold that I get into trouble.
See, Paul and I talk the same.
Ultimately, the point is that if Christ is living in me, then I have the power residing in my very soul to conquer the temptations that arise every day. "For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace" Romans 6:14.
It becomes a choice, I think. I have access to grace and strength and resurrecting power...but I am not always willing to tap into that power when I find myself in desperate need of that very thing. I can choose to offer my body to sin OR I can offer myself to God as an instrument for righteousness....which kind of sounds awesome-er.
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." v.23
Grace, strength, resurrecting power, AND eternal life? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal when pitted against that whole slave to sin and death thing. And that's the point of the grace thing...my sins are great, but Christ has paid the debt and has consumed my soul with Himself such that I can tap into the awesomeness that is a resurrected Savior.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
oh baby, oh baby...
Recently in my attempt to be an adult I had the "why do you want to have a baby" conversation.
I don't know why I feel like I need to hash this out on my blog, but with everyone I know popping out babies right now (quite literally, almost everyone), I think it's an apt topic of conversation.
The answer is I don't have an answer. Mostly, I have every plan to be so completely in love with my husband that the idea of taking the very best of him and smashing it together with the very best of me in some perfect little buddle of joy makes me super happy. And while I occasionally have to fight off the paralyzing fear of being a bad mom or having crazy psycho children or having some scary thing happen during my pregnancy...I realize that the risk of all of those things is worth it.
I am looking forward to having kiddos who bring joy into my house. I'm looking forward to soccer games, and family Christmas, and playing with the cousins. I want to tie dye socks and shirts and plant flowers (that I will surely kill) and play board games and sing songs and do homework together...
Granted, I have committed a huge chunk of my life to work...and I'm kind of ok with that. I grew up with two parents on call for their jobs, but they always made it to our big events. I recently got cornered for accidentally somehow insinuating that I wanted to have kids so that I have something to do with my husband. Of course, that's not what I meant. I want kids so that I have someone to take care of and someone to invest my life in.
For how much I love my baby cousins and my new little nephew, I cannot imagine how much more I could love my own baby to raise and care for and do the mom thing. And while I still demand a jet ski while I can still play on it...I think I'm ok with the guaranteed messy house for the sake of loving my kids unconditionally.
But to be clear...no babies anytime soon. I would like to be settled in life before I start trying to take care of someone else.
That's today's musings...
I don't know why I feel like I need to hash this out on my blog, but with everyone I know popping out babies right now (quite literally, almost everyone), I think it's an apt topic of conversation.
The answer is I don't have an answer. Mostly, I have every plan to be so completely in love with my husband that the idea of taking the very best of him and smashing it together with the very best of me in some perfect little buddle of joy makes me super happy. And while I occasionally have to fight off the paralyzing fear of being a bad mom or having crazy psycho children or having some scary thing happen during my pregnancy...I realize that the risk of all of those things is worth it.
I am looking forward to having kiddos who bring joy into my house. I'm looking forward to soccer games, and family Christmas, and playing with the cousins. I want to tie dye socks and shirts and plant flowers (that I will surely kill) and play board games and sing songs and do homework together...
Granted, I have committed a huge chunk of my life to work...and I'm kind of ok with that. I grew up with two parents on call for their jobs, but they always made it to our big events. I recently got cornered for accidentally somehow insinuating that I wanted to have kids so that I have something to do with my husband. Of course, that's not what I meant. I want kids so that I have someone to take care of and someone to invest my life in.
For how much I love my baby cousins and my new little nephew, I cannot imagine how much more I could love my own baby to raise and care for and do the mom thing. And while I still demand a jet ski while I can still play on it...I think I'm ok with the guaranteed messy house for the sake of loving my kids unconditionally.
But to be clear...no babies anytime soon. I would like to be settled in life before I start trying to take care of someone else.
That's today's musings...
She Stole My Happily Ever After
I saw a picture. I wasn't supposed to...but it popped up before I had a chance to delete the newsfeed.
She wore my dress.
I mean, come on. Adding insult to injury while I start having to look for a new dream guy and a new dream gown and a new ever after. Once again, I get to redefine my perfection and start over from scratch...while other people get to keep my perfection and call it their own.
I guess the blessing and the curse is I have to start over and I can't keep building on the plans I had because...well...they were stolen.
I suppose it's perfect...I mean, Ryan Adams has a song for both of them. Which, I think I now have to stop listening to him because I'm pretty sure he is making me sadder as this whole process continues.
The problem is, I didn't even get a chance to find out for sure. I just got this glimpse of perfect and I thought I was being perfect and I wanted it all to end perfectly. I had this hope...I had this joy. I had plans again. My life kind of started making sense again.
I convinced myself that Together came back because I showed up...maybe it was because she did.
Colbie was getting me through this a little better than Ryan is. At least with Colbie I was sleeping.
And now tomorrow I have to pretend to know something about pulmonology and probably make a complete fool of myself at mksap board review...
life is sometimes too hard. and sometimes i think i have earned life to be less hard...and maybe that thought alone is why i don't. and while my dinner date tonight with an old friend was refreshing and inspiring and encouraging...it still doesn't take the sting out of everything else.
I mean, she took my name. The one I practiced writing in my notebook like a freaking 12 year old.
I would like some man to see enough value in me. It would really only take one...but every passing day convinces me that there must be something wrong with me that no one has alerted me to because people's lives just don't go this way in real life. it's too unfair for real life to be like this.
She wore my dress.
I mean, come on. Adding insult to injury while I start having to look for a new dream guy and a new dream gown and a new ever after. Once again, I get to redefine my perfection and start over from scratch...while other people get to keep my perfection and call it their own.
I guess the blessing and the curse is I have to start over and I can't keep building on the plans I had because...well...they were stolen.
I suppose it's perfect...I mean, Ryan Adams has a song for both of them. Which, I think I now have to stop listening to him because I'm pretty sure he is making me sadder as this whole process continues.
The problem is, I didn't even get a chance to find out for sure. I just got this glimpse of perfect and I thought I was being perfect and I wanted it all to end perfectly. I had this hope...I had this joy. I had plans again. My life kind of started making sense again.
I convinced myself that Together came back because I showed up...maybe it was because she did.
Colbie was getting me through this a little better than Ryan is. At least with Colbie I was sleeping.
And now tomorrow I have to pretend to know something about pulmonology and probably make a complete fool of myself at mksap board review...
life is sometimes too hard. and sometimes i think i have earned life to be less hard...and maybe that thought alone is why i don't. and while my dinner date tonight with an old friend was refreshing and inspiring and encouraging...it still doesn't take the sting out of everything else.
I mean, she took my name. The one I practiced writing in my notebook like a freaking 12 year old.
I would like some man to see enough value in me. It would really only take one...but every passing day convinces me that there must be something wrong with me that no one has alerted me to because people's lives just don't go this way in real life. it's too unfair for real life to be like this.
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