Anyone who has spent any amount of time in a place I am dwelling knows that I am no stranger to chaos. In fact, chaos and I have spent a lot of very sweet and intimate moments together in the past. We've been good friends who have lived together for many years and we generally get along dandy.
And then something happens. I never know what causes it, but I go into manic mode. I was like this even as a teenager...I would get so stressed out about something that my only option was the clean. I would painstakingly organize the most minute details of something until I crashed asleep on the floor or fell prey to the tears that I was probably holding back.
Today I hit manic mode. I actually think I've been ramping up to this mode with my crazy Jillian routine and insistence on not blowing out a knee in the near future, but today it came on full blown. I can no longer pretend to be content in the chaos of my life. And not just the physical chaos of my house, which has become horrendous and will get worse before it gets better as I move the rest of my stuff back in this week, but the chaos of my heart and my mind.
I am a fake open person. I am more than happy to share the gorey details of my lovelife with just about anyone who will listen. I think mostly because it's something to share that I don't find off-limits. Plus, the stories are so great that really people want to be friends with me at the end of it :)
There's just a lot of things that I think and I feel that I don't think I would ever be willing to say outloud. Not scary things, just things about myself and about life and about people. And I notice when I hit these times in my life where I really have to make a decision to be happy that I don't really make the decision to be happy. I really just make a decision to be. I throw myself into mind-numbing exercise, I come home from a friend's house at 11 pm and insist on immediately taking out the trash, scrubbing the stovetop, doing dishes, and sweeping the kitchen floor. I would rather deal with my emotional chaos by taking it out on the chaos I can touch and watch become organized.
And so I continue on in my personal chaos with a much cleaner kitchen until something comes along that so shakes me to my core it helps me reorganize my life again.
...because clearly the problem is that, while I may be fed up with the chaos of my heart...I am not ready to be done with it.
