Monday, March 30, 2009

The Master Craftsman...

So there's this thing about the old testament. It's pretty awesome and you can learn a lot from it, but some parts of it kind of drag on and on. For example, it seems like the HUGE majority of Exodus is just God describing in excruciating detail how Moses and friends need to build the temple and the altar and everything else. I mean, really, it's pretty intense.

In my attempt to actually learn the Old Testament, I forced myself to pay attention during those sections. It was not easy, but darn it, I did it. And in that, I found a GEM of a hidden little Bible verse...passage.

In Exodus 31, the first few verses, God let's Moses know that what he is suggesting is not impossible. He wants Moses to know that while He is making seemingly ridiculous requests of extreme detail, that He is not asking Moses to understand and accomplish the task at hand on His own. God says, 'Check it, Moses, I already gave you people in your community who have the skills necessary to accomplish these tasks.' Not only did God have a master craftsman skilled for the job available, but an assistant who was also skilled.

This passage has really been on my heart lately. Not only because it reminds me that God doesn't ask me to accomplish seemingly impossible tasks on my own, but it also reminds me that if God took the time to put a master craftsman right exactly in the place he needed to be with exactly the skills he needed to have...then God can probably do the same for me and with me.

Preach it!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Sometimes life gets the best of me.

I find that stress and I are not actual friends. I think for a long time I have tried to embrace the sleepless nights as part of who I am. However, it is 315 am and I am not in bed...I am pretending to study while actually finding time to blog...when in a few short hours I have to convince an OTM professor that I know something about diagnosing and treating sympathetics (please peptic ulcer...or please Dr. Fryer....)

I had a realization today. I have no idea what brought it on, but amazingly I feel much lighter. Somehow in the course of this rather miserable day, I had a realization...a load lightening. I don't know what brought it on or how it happened. I guess I just saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I finally said everything I needed to say, maybe I finally took some rMaybe esponsibility for how I'm feeling...maybe I finally heard everything I needed to hear. I don't know...it could be any combination of the above...but tonight, for the first time in a long time, I feel like me again.

I don't feel crazy today. It's nice. I feel like I could be the friend I need to be to the people around me. Yes, there are still a few things I am dealing with, like medicine that makes me more sick than I was before I knew I was sick...and finals, blasted finals...but overall, I feel less doomsday-y.

I hope it stays. It may not depending on how Friday goes. It's weird. I feel like school has taken a baseball bat and beaten all hope of not failing out completely out of me in the last week. My test scores lately have been subpar and it's been frustrating to deal with hot and cold grades.

I think at the end of the day, I said what I needed to say. I think today I had encounters that made me realize that I have no control over the people around me. That was a good realization...and because I cannot control them, they cannot control my emotions on a day by day basis. I need to just be me. And me, as far as I can tell, is a happy go lucky person who tries really hard to do by right by everybody. It's a rough job and I get walked on a lot in it, but that's what makes me feel successful in a given day. I want to just patch things over...not sweep them under the rug, but to actually deal with them and move on from them.

I always thought I was one to hold a grudge. I don't know why I thought that because right now I can't think of anyone I hold a grudge against. I just want life to be back to normal. Not necessarily the way it was because clearly that way is not the way for me right now...but just back to normal. Back to a time when I was really truly happy with myself...ridiculousness and all. A time where I could do what I wanted for me and invite people along for the ride. I would like to go back to the beginning days of medical school where people could count on me. I want that life back...I want me back. And dang it, I think today is the start of a new me to come.

(Cue blinding light from heaven and angel's singing hallelujah chorus)

Sunday, March 8, 2009

What does a passion even look like?

Tonight, in my blogger stalking, I came across this quote:

"More than anything, I just love how I suddenly became this person I've always wanted to be like!"

Really?? There is evidence that somewhere at the end of this long road that a person is actually in love with the person she became because she finally became herself. Really?

I feel like I struggle with this every couple of years. Maybe it's when the big stuff happens in my life that I start reevaluating who I've become. I also recognize that usually at that point there has been one particular person that I have been living my life for...not always a boyfriend, but always someone. And I start to recognize there are things I do at those times that I despise...or just don't like...doing.

Once upon a time I ran everyday as much as I could to prove that I could to all of my friends who did. I hated it. It felt like a chore. There was no joy in running and so I wasn't improving, I would just run my distance and be done with it...and immediately call someone to tell him I could do it. And why? He didn't care, he was my best friend and my ability to run was never a requirement of the relationship. The requirement of the relationship with him was that I would face my demons and be honest...which I was never very good at...but he tried to be there for me as much as he could within the scope of our friendship. He has since run marathons...and I'm just now hoping to run a 5K all for me in the next month or so.

In high school, I convinced myself I was in love with the St. Louis Cardinals. My best friends were, so I had to be. I realize now that I like baseball, and I definitely cherish the time I spent with those friends at Busch Stadium...but I honestly did not care. I only knew the players when they talked about them, but I was far from passionate about the game...I just wanted the social experience...I just wanted to fit in. Luckily, those friends are still some of my best, and I think they've figured out that I just don't care as much as they do...and surprisingly we are all still friends :)

Most recently I started lifting. Actually, less specifically, I started trying to make every one of someone else's passions my passion. Talk about lame. How can a person appreciate you if you never figured out who you were in the first place? Shockingly, people are generally not interested in carbon copies of themselves. I know, it really is shocking. No wonder I struggle in relationships!

So what the heck haven't I learned? I'm so much happier not trying to be this other person who makes the world go 'round for everyone else. Not to mention, even when I'm faking it, I'm not making the world go round for anyone anyway...that's not a kind of power I need to have right now.

Recently the question was posed to me, "What are you passionate about?" I couldn't answer it. Literally, in that moment, absolutely nothing real came to mind. I mean, of course, I'm passionate about my friends and family, but who isn't? What am I passionate about that makes me different from the people around me? So I started mentally making my pad answer list:
  • Medicine? - ok, sure sometimes, but definitely not right now :)
  • Crafts? - no, i'm still working on that dang blanket that was supposed to be done in October that I started working on in June...so far I have one lopsided square.
  • My relationship with Christ - yes, and while that is a valid answer, it's still not something that is just mine
It took me some major major time. I know I am passionate about teens. I love working at camp with youth and learning from them. I adore every opportunity given to me to play with kids and youth at church or camp or the science fair...whatever. That is what brings me the most joy. I am passionate about doing something for kids and teens that will make their day a little brighter.

It scares me because that answer tells me I should have done about a billion different things that are not medicine. I hope I find a way in my practice to link together my joy of teaching and playing with kids all while making a difference in their lives. I keep telling myself that God miraculously found a way to get me into medical school and keep me from failing out so far...so He has to have a better plan than any of the alternatives at the moment.

I need a passion. A real passion that I can feed and nurture every single day. Sasha runs her butt off and is driven to do this marathon and iron man competition. She is passionate. Krista and Sarah have this amazing passion for the Bible and cross referencing and digging in deeper. Kristi is passionate about playing and teaching little kids. Beth has the Cardinals and sports in general...Steph LOVES sign language and has made a life out of it. Abby loves to sing and act. What do I truly love so much that the people around me can peg me with that love at any given moment?

I am timid, and scared and unsure. What I love to do is make things easier on the people around me. I love being a leader of a group of people with an end goal in mind because I like to hear everyone's input, which I think makes me a good leader.

I guess the problem I face now is...what am I doing right now that I'm only doing for me? Not because I feel inadequate...or feel like it's a requirement for me to accomplish this task. What am I truly doing for myself without the urging of the people around me? The things I would normally respond with are not things I'm working to improve on...they are just things I like. I like to play piano (but I'm terrible), I like to sing, I like to scrapbook, I like to crochet...? I like these things, but I could live without them in general (maybe not singing, I need that for sure).

How can you be yourself if you have no idea what is driving you? How can you make an end goal if you're not sure what of your current options are even things you want to be doing in the first place? How does a person get this far and suddenly realize they are passionless??? And now what the heck am I supposed to do to fix it???

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Maybe I Fought the Fight Right Out of Me

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one fighting for things.

When that happens, what are the chances it means it's not something worth fighting for? If no one else joins you in the battle, maybe your fight isn't worth it.

I apologize that my posts are all about relationships, but I suppose that's what I feel like consumes my thoughts these days. You either get all my musings about my various relationships, or you're going to get my disdain for pharmacology. Your call, but for now, I pick relationships.

I was recently told that I love with my whole heart. I wasn't sure how to take that. To be entirely honest, I was a little disappointed. Love with my whole heart? Well...it sounds good, but really? Where has it actually gotten me? The answer is: not too far with a lot of whole heart hurting along the way.

So it leads me to wonder if I really understood what love was in the first place. Maybe I just try to love with my whole heart, but I'm actually just a controlling nut job who wants whatever it is I claim as my own. Now, that is not love...that is crazy. Who am I to impose some kind of rule over another person because I think I'm trying to love them when they don't know if it's what they want me to be doing. Then I'm just...that girl.

Don't get me wrong, there is a definitely a place for whole heart loving...but maybe I just don't get it...maybe I haven't figured out the right place for whole heart loving. Maybe I haven't figured out the switch for how to turn it off? I mean, I thought I did, and things definitely feel different...but my expectations are the same and there's still something there and what the heck do I do with that?

Here's what I know about love...some of it I've learned on my own, some of it I've learned from others, and some of it I picked up from Disney movies...so sue me.

Love thing #1: Love feels different. It's not like it was...something changes in you and everything seems to follow. Every kiss, every touch, every look, every thought...is tingly. At least, it was for me. The day I knew I was truly in love was the day I felt like TinkerBell was sprinkling fairy dust all over me...I felt all sparkly. Stupid, but true.

Love thing #2: Love makes you act stupid. You say the things you swore you'd never say. You actually literally miss a person when they've been gone for 15 minutes. You get all swoony and come up with stupid names for things...you call late at night, you call early in the morning, and any chance you have to say how you really feel, you take...because it consumes you.

Love thing #3: Love gives you a feeling of ownership and pride. Not in that creepy "I own you and don't you dare think about leaving this house" way, but in that "I desperately I want to keep you" way. This is the stage that brings healthy jealousy. I think it's also the stage where you learn to really appreciate the person you're with for their strengths, and try desperately to help them with their weaknesses so that their life can be a little bit better down the road.

Love thing #4: Love makes you listen more closely. You want to be able to repeat some minor detail back later on to prove you were listening to prove that you care. You want to be able to buy the right gift that they never asked for, but you know how desperately they want it.

Love thing #5: Love makes you think about all of those things you were sure you weren't ready for...but suddenly you are. You start planning trips and planning lives. Your assurance in each other is enough to make any option a viable one...and the excitement of those options overflows because it is more opportunity to spend together.

Love thing #6: Love makes everyone else seem stupid for not getting it. Sorry friends, but it's the truth. It's like all of the sudden this one person is your only ally and while you tell yourself that it's really important for everyone else to be on board, you really mean to say, "I'm sure, so you better be sure".

Love thing #7: Love makes you want to be the best you can possibly be for this one other person. Every thought they have is the most important thought, and every activity they want to do sounds like it could be really fun. Everything that they find interesting or exciting is something you start trying really hard to feel the same way about...at least try...

Love thing #8: Love catches you completely off guard and it's super hard to turn off. I thought I was in love until I actually fell in love...and when that happened I was sunk. My whole heart fell in right away and fighting that feeling has been the hardest thing for me to do.

So is it worth it? How do you know which love is the right love? Is it worth giving up love for the possibility of finding a love that you can't imagine could flow deeper or mean more? If you're sure beyond a shadow of a doubt...then can you really be asked to give that up? I mean, can a first love be just a first love, or can it be a forever love? Or should you not expect your first love to be forever love? In which case, why bother ever falling in love if you know the first time is going to end badly anyway?

How sure can you really be?

Not only that, but can I keep fighting for something I know to be true when...well, when I'm the only one fighting for it?