Saturday, September 19, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Powerless? Forget That.
I realized something recently. I realized that I don't have to be everyone else's doormat. Somehow in the recent weeks of Joplin, I've come to realize a little more of my potential. I know, this is a lot of blogs on essentially the same thing, but I feel like I'm growing up a little more everyday and sometimes that needs to be shared.
Joplin has been the bomb. The person I became when I stepped foot in this city is exactly the person I knew that I always was, but could never quite bring myself to be. For whatever reason, everywhere else I got stuck in a rut. But, my friends, rut no more. I'm meeting new friends from all different places, going on dates, loving the doctoring...it's like for the first time I am confident in every aspect of my life. I finally have things under control...under my control...not under anyone or anything else's (read comlex, pharm dept, etc etc).
Anyway, I have finally found the strength to move on from the bad stuff and embrace the new good stuff. In fact, I have even found time to try the dating scene without all that drama and pressure to be anything but a date. It turns out, after all these years, I am not as awkward and uncomfortable on a date by myself with a guy as I was all those other years of my entire life. It's like the last 24 years have been a time of me finding myself and making what I could of myself in whatever environment I found myself in. Now, all the sudden, I find that I can actually be that person who developed in all these places without any pressure to be anything but exactly who I am.
I think I finally recognize what I deserve, and I'm finally starting to demand it. I started this trend at the end of my time in Kirksville after a couple of minor run-ins with various people, but it's serving better and more important purposes in Joplin.
Moral of the story: this is what I needed. This place has given me confidence in myself not only academically, but also personally. I finally feel free of the drama that has consumed my thoughts and emotions daily for the last 2 years and I can move on knowing that part of me is done and the next stage is ready to begin...and has begun. It's time for me to experience life...and I think I'm finally ready to do just that.
Love love :)
Joplin has been the bomb. The person I became when I stepped foot in this city is exactly the person I knew that I always was, but could never quite bring myself to be. For whatever reason, everywhere else I got stuck in a rut. But, my friends, rut no more. I'm meeting new friends from all different places, going on dates, loving the doctoring...it's like for the first time I am confident in every aspect of my life. I finally have things under control...under my control...not under anyone or anything else's (read comlex, pharm dept, etc etc).
Anyway, I have finally found the strength to move on from the bad stuff and embrace the new good stuff. In fact, I have even found time to try the dating scene without all that drama and pressure to be anything but a date. It turns out, after all these years, I am not as awkward and uncomfortable on a date by myself with a guy as I was all those other years of my entire life. It's like the last 24 years have been a time of me finding myself and making what I could of myself in whatever environment I found myself in. Now, all the sudden, I find that I can actually be that person who developed in all these places without any pressure to be anything but exactly who I am.
I think I finally recognize what I deserve, and I'm finally starting to demand it. I started this trend at the end of my time in Kirksville after a couple of minor run-ins with various people, but it's serving better and more important purposes in Joplin.
Moral of the story: this is what I needed. This place has given me confidence in myself not only academically, but also personally. I finally feel free of the drama that has consumed my thoughts and emotions daily for the last 2 years and I can move on knowing that part of me is done and the next stage is ready to begin...and has begun. It's time for me to experience life...and I think I'm finally ready to do just that.
Love love :)
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
It is definitely time for an update.
The last two weeks have been relatively brutal. We have had 4 big tests, a few labs, a couple of practicals, and more quizzes coming up than I probably have written in my schedule. It's just been difficult to keep up and stay positive! The only thing that has really been pushing me is performing pretty well on the last group of tests...though I did really struggle with the Principles test :( We also had a Path test yesterday over the same material the Principles test was on (Heme/Onc, excellently enough)...so we'll see if I learned anything in the week between those two tests.
Awesomely, I was able to find time to meet my family in Columbia for Easter lunch. I forget how much I miss my parents and brothers until the times I do get to spend with them...embarrassing my mom in public :) I think even if my Path grade isn't up to my usually Path par, it was definitely worth it to see my family and catch up with two good friends during the drive.
I'm planning to get down to Joplin this weekend to try to get my housing finalized for next year. I'm so excited to be down to only about 6 more weeks of sitting in a classroom. I can't believe that I've survived through my second year of medical school. Hopefully the next two go as fast as these first two! I can't wait to get boards out of the way and get ready to start rotations. Every day I find myself way more excited than the day before at the prospect of moving and being in a whole new environment where I'm not surrounded my students in classrooms all day long, but forced to make the world my oyster! It's silly, but I am so pumped.
Until then, I'm just trying to cram in whatever fun I can before I'm without my very favorite people...and trying to not let the grades slip in the last push for excellence :) So close!!!!!!!
The last two weeks have been relatively brutal. We have had 4 big tests, a few labs, a couple of practicals, and more quizzes coming up than I probably have written in my schedule. It's just been difficult to keep up and stay positive! The only thing that has really been pushing me is performing pretty well on the last group of tests...though I did really struggle with the Principles test :( We also had a Path test yesterday over the same material the Principles test was on (Heme/Onc, excellently enough)...so we'll see if I learned anything in the week between those two tests.
Awesomely, I was able to find time to meet my family in Columbia for Easter lunch. I forget how much I miss my parents and brothers until the times I do get to spend with them...embarrassing my mom in public :) I think even if my Path grade isn't up to my usually Path par, it was definitely worth it to see my family and catch up with two good friends during the drive.
I'm planning to get down to Joplin this weekend to try to get my housing finalized for next year. I'm so excited to be down to only about 6 more weeks of sitting in a classroom. I can't believe that I've survived through my second year of medical school. Hopefully the next two go as fast as these first two! I can't wait to get boards out of the way and get ready to start rotations. Every day I find myself way more excited than the day before at the prospect of moving and being in a whole new environment where I'm not surrounded my students in classrooms all day long, but forced to make the world my oyster! It's silly, but I am so pumped.
Until then, I'm just trying to cram in whatever fun I can before I'm without my very favorite people...and trying to not let the grades slip in the last push for excellence :) So close!!!!!!!
Monday, March 30, 2009
The Master Craftsman...
So there's this thing about the old testament. It's pretty awesome and you can learn a lot from it, but some parts of it kind of drag on and on. For example, it seems like the HUGE majority of Exodus is just God describing in excruciating detail how Moses and friends need to build the temple and the altar and everything else. I mean, really, it's pretty intense.
In my attempt to actually learn the Old Testament, I forced myself to pay attention during those sections. It was not easy, but darn it, I did it. And in that, I found a GEM of a hidden little Bible verse...passage.
In Exodus 31, the first few verses, God let's Moses know that what he is suggesting is not impossible. He wants Moses to know that while He is making seemingly ridiculous requests of extreme detail, that He is not asking Moses to understand and accomplish the task at hand on His own. God says, 'Check it, Moses, I already gave you people in your community who have the skills necessary to accomplish these tasks.' Not only did God have a master craftsman skilled for the job available, but an assistant who was also skilled.
This passage has really been on my heart lately. Not only because it reminds me that God doesn't ask me to accomplish seemingly impossible tasks on my own, but it also reminds me that if God took the time to put a master craftsman right exactly in the place he needed to be with exactly the skills he needed to have...then God can probably do the same for me and with me.
Preach it!
In my attempt to actually learn the Old Testament, I forced myself to pay attention during those sections. It was not easy, but darn it, I did it. And in that, I found a GEM of a hidden little Bible verse...passage.
In Exodus 31, the first few verses, God let's Moses know that what he is suggesting is not impossible. He wants Moses to know that while He is making seemingly ridiculous requests of extreme detail, that He is not asking Moses to understand and accomplish the task at hand on His own. God says, 'Check it, Moses, I already gave you people in your community who have the skills necessary to accomplish these tasks.' Not only did God have a master craftsman skilled for the job available, but an assistant who was also skilled.
This passage has really been on my heart lately. Not only because it reminds me that God doesn't ask me to accomplish seemingly impossible tasks on my own, but it also reminds me that if God took the time to put a master craftsman right exactly in the place he needed to be with exactly the skills he needed to have...then God can probably do the same for me and with me.
Preach it!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Sometimes life gets the best of me.
I find that stress and I are not actual friends. I think for a long time I have tried to embrace the sleepless nights as part of who I am. However, it is 315 am and I am not in bed...I am pretending to study while actually finding time to blog...when in a few short hours I have to convince an OTM professor that I know something about diagnosing and treating sympathetics (please peptic ulcer...or please Dr. Fryer....)
I had a realization today. I have no idea what brought it on, but amazingly I feel much lighter. Somehow in the course of this rather miserable day, I had a realization...a load lightening. I don't know what brought it on or how it happened. I guess I just saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I finally said everything I needed to say, maybe I finally took some rMaybe esponsibility for how I'm feeling...maybe I finally heard everything I needed to hear. I don't know...it could be any combination of the above...but tonight, for the first time in a long time, I feel like me again.
I don't feel crazy today. It's nice. I feel like I could be the friend I need to be to the people around me. Yes, there are still a few things I am dealing with, like medicine that makes me more sick than I was before I knew I was sick...and finals, blasted finals...but overall, I feel less doomsday-y.
I hope it stays. It may not depending on how Friday goes. It's weird. I feel like school has taken a baseball bat and beaten all hope of not failing out completely out of me in the last week. My test scores lately have been subpar and it's been frustrating to deal with hot and cold grades.
I think at the end of the day, I said what I needed to say. I think today I had encounters that made me realize that I have no control over the people around me. That was a good realization...and because I cannot control them, they cannot control my emotions on a day by day basis. I need to just be me. And me, as far as I can tell, is a happy go lucky person who tries really hard to do by right by everybody. It's a rough job and I get walked on a lot in it, but that's what makes me feel successful in a given day. I want to just patch things over...not sweep them under the rug, but to actually deal with them and move on from them.
I always thought I was one to hold a grudge. I don't know why I thought that because right now I can't think of anyone I hold a grudge against. I just want life to be back to normal. Not necessarily the way it was because clearly that way is not the way for me right now...but just back to normal. Back to a time when I was really truly happy with myself...ridiculousness and all. A time where I could do what I wanted for me and invite people along for the ride. I would like to go back to the beginning days of medical school where people could count on me. I want that life back...I want me back. And dang it, I think today is the start of a new me to come.
(Cue blinding light from heaven and angel's singing hallelujah chorus)
I find that stress and I are not actual friends. I think for a long time I have tried to embrace the sleepless nights as part of who I am. However, it is 315 am and I am not in bed...I am pretending to study while actually finding time to blog...when in a few short hours I have to convince an OTM professor that I know something about diagnosing and treating sympathetics (please peptic ulcer...or please Dr. Fryer....)
I had a realization today. I have no idea what brought it on, but amazingly I feel much lighter. Somehow in the course of this rather miserable day, I had a realization...a load lightening. I don't know what brought it on or how it happened. I guess I just saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I finally said everything I needed to say, maybe I finally took some rMaybe esponsibility for how I'm feeling...maybe I finally heard everything I needed to hear. I don't know...it could be any combination of the above...but tonight, for the first time in a long time, I feel like me again.
I don't feel crazy today. It's nice. I feel like I could be the friend I need to be to the people around me. Yes, there are still a few things I am dealing with, like medicine that makes me more sick than I was before I knew I was sick...and finals, blasted finals...but overall, I feel less doomsday-y.
I hope it stays. It may not depending on how Friday goes. It's weird. I feel like school has taken a baseball bat and beaten all hope of not failing out completely out of me in the last week. My test scores lately have been subpar and it's been frustrating to deal with hot and cold grades.
I think at the end of the day, I said what I needed to say. I think today I had encounters that made me realize that I have no control over the people around me. That was a good realization...and because I cannot control them, they cannot control my emotions on a day by day basis. I need to just be me. And me, as far as I can tell, is a happy go lucky person who tries really hard to do by right by everybody. It's a rough job and I get walked on a lot in it, but that's what makes me feel successful in a given day. I want to just patch things over...not sweep them under the rug, but to actually deal with them and move on from them.
I always thought I was one to hold a grudge. I don't know why I thought that because right now I can't think of anyone I hold a grudge against. I just want life to be back to normal. Not necessarily the way it was because clearly that way is not the way for me right now...but just back to normal. Back to a time when I was really truly happy with myself...ridiculousness and all. A time where I could do what I wanted for me and invite people along for the ride. I would like to go back to the beginning days of medical school where people could count on me. I want that life back...I want me back. And dang it, I think today is the start of a new me to come.
(Cue blinding light from heaven and angel's singing hallelujah chorus)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
What does a passion even look like?
Tonight, in my blogger stalking, I came across this quote:
"More than anything, I just love how I suddenly became this person I've always wanted to be like!"
Really?? There is evidence that somewhere at the end of this long road that a person is actually in love with the person she became because she finally became herself. Really?
I feel like I struggle with this every couple of years. Maybe it's when the big stuff happens in my life that I start reevaluating who I've become. I also recognize that usually at that point there has been one particular person that I have been living my life for...not always a boyfriend, but always someone. And I start to recognize there are things I do at those times that I despise...or just don't like...doing.
Once upon a time I ran everyday as much as I could to prove that I could to all of my friends who did. I hated it. It felt like a chore. There was no joy in running and so I wasn't improving, I would just run my distance and be done with it...and immediately call someone to tell him I could do it. And why? He didn't care, he was my best friend and my ability to run was never a requirement of the relationship. The requirement of the relationship with him was that I would face my demons and be honest...which I was never very good at...but he tried to be there for me as much as he could within the scope of our friendship. He has since run marathons...and I'm just now hoping to run a 5K all for me in the next month or so.
In high school, I convinced myself I was in love with the St. Louis Cardinals. My best friends were, so I had to be. I realize now that I like baseball, and I definitely cherish the time I spent with those friends at Busch Stadium...but I honestly did not care. I only knew the players when they talked about them, but I was far from passionate about the game...I just wanted the social experience...I just wanted to fit in. Luckily, those friends are still some of my best, and I think they've figured out that I just don't care as much as they do...and surprisingly we are all still friends :)
Most recently I started lifting. Actually, less specifically, I started trying to make every one of someone else's passions my passion. Talk about lame. How can a person appreciate you if you never figured out who you were in the first place? Shockingly, people are generally not interested in carbon copies of themselves. I know, it really is shocking. No wonder I struggle in relationships!
So what the heck haven't I learned? I'm so much happier not trying to be this other person who makes the world go 'round for everyone else. Not to mention, even when I'm faking it, I'm not making the world go round for anyone anyway...that's not a kind of power I need to have right now.
Recently the question was posed to me, "What are you passionate about?" I couldn't answer it. Literally, in that moment, absolutely nothing real came to mind. I mean, of course, I'm passionate about my friends and family, but who isn't? What am I passionate about that makes me different from the people around me? So I started mentally making my pad answer list:
It scares me because that answer tells me I should have done about a billion different things that are not medicine. I hope I find a way in my practice to link together my joy of teaching and playing with kids all while making a difference in their lives. I keep telling myself that God miraculously found a way to get me into medical school and keep me from failing out so far...so He has to have a better plan than any of the alternatives at the moment.
I need a passion. A real passion that I can feed and nurture every single day. Sasha runs her butt off and is driven to do this marathon and iron man competition. She is passionate. Krista and Sarah have this amazing passion for the Bible and cross referencing and digging in deeper. Kristi is passionate about playing and teaching little kids. Beth has the Cardinals and sports in general...Steph LOVES sign language and has made a life out of it. Abby loves to sing and act. What do I truly love so much that the people around me can peg me with that love at any given moment?
I am timid, and scared and unsure. What I love to do is make things easier on the people around me. I love being a leader of a group of people with an end goal in mind because I like to hear everyone's input, which I think makes me a good leader.
I guess the problem I face now is...what am I doing right now that I'm only doing for me? Not because I feel inadequate...or feel like it's a requirement for me to accomplish this task. What am I truly doing for myself without the urging of the people around me? The things I would normally respond with are not things I'm working to improve on...they are just things I like. I like to play piano (but I'm terrible), I like to sing, I like to scrapbook, I like to crochet...? I like these things, but I could live without them in general (maybe not singing, I need that for sure).
How can you be yourself if you have no idea what is driving you? How can you make an end goal if you're not sure what of your current options are even things you want to be doing in the first place? How does a person get this far and suddenly realize they are passionless??? And now what the heck am I supposed to do to fix it???
"More than anything, I just love how I suddenly became this person I've always wanted to be like!"
Really?? There is evidence that somewhere at the end of this long road that a person is actually in love with the person she became because she finally became herself. Really?
I feel like I struggle with this every couple of years. Maybe it's when the big stuff happens in my life that I start reevaluating who I've become. I also recognize that usually at that point there has been one particular person that I have been living my life for...not always a boyfriend, but always someone. And I start to recognize there are things I do at those times that I despise...or just don't like...doing.
Once upon a time I ran everyday as much as I could to prove that I could to all of my friends who did. I hated it. It felt like a chore. There was no joy in running and so I wasn't improving, I would just run my distance and be done with it...and immediately call someone to tell him I could do it. And why? He didn't care, he was my best friend and my ability to run was never a requirement of the relationship. The requirement of the relationship with him was that I would face my demons and be honest...which I was never very good at...but he tried to be there for me as much as he could within the scope of our friendship. He has since run marathons...and I'm just now hoping to run a 5K all for me in the next month or so.
In high school, I convinced myself I was in love with the St. Louis Cardinals. My best friends were, so I had to be. I realize now that I like baseball, and I definitely cherish the time I spent with those friends at Busch Stadium...but I honestly did not care. I only knew the players when they talked about them, but I was far from passionate about the game...I just wanted the social experience...I just wanted to fit in. Luckily, those friends are still some of my best, and I think they've figured out that I just don't care as much as they do...and surprisingly we are all still friends :)
Most recently I started lifting. Actually, less specifically, I started trying to make every one of someone else's passions my passion. Talk about lame. How can a person appreciate you if you never figured out who you were in the first place? Shockingly, people are generally not interested in carbon copies of themselves. I know, it really is shocking. No wonder I struggle in relationships!
So what the heck haven't I learned? I'm so much happier not trying to be this other person who makes the world go 'round for everyone else. Not to mention, even when I'm faking it, I'm not making the world go round for anyone anyway...that's not a kind of power I need to have right now.
Recently the question was posed to me, "What are you passionate about?" I couldn't answer it. Literally, in that moment, absolutely nothing real came to mind. I mean, of course, I'm passionate about my friends and family, but who isn't? What am I passionate about that makes me different from the people around me? So I started mentally making my pad answer list:
- Medicine? - ok, sure sometimes, but definitely not right now :)
- Crafts? - no, i'm still working on that dang blanket that was supposed to be done in October that I started working on in June...so far I have one lopsided square.
- My relationship with Christ - yes, and while that is a valid answer, it's still not something that is just mine
It scares me because that answer tells me I should have done about a billion different things that are not medicine. I hope I find a way in my practice to link together my joy of teaching and playing with kids all while making a difference in their lives. I keep telling myself that God miraculously found a way to get me into medical school and keep me from failing out so far...so He has to have a better plan than any of the alternatives at the moment.
I need a passion. A real passion that I can feed and nurture every single day. Sasha runs her butt off and is driven to do this marathon and iron man competition. She is passionate. Krista and Sarah have this amazing passion for the Bible and cross referencing and digging in deeper. Kristi is passionate about playing and teaching little kids. Beth has the Cardinals and sports in general...Steph LOVES sign language and has made a life out of it. Abby loves to sing and act. What do I truly love so much that the people around me can peg me with that love at any given moment?
I am timid, and scared and unsure. What I love to do is make things easier on the people around me. I love being a leader of a group of people with an end goal in mind because I like to hear everyone's input, which I think makes me a good leader.
I guess the problem I face now is...what am I doing right now that I'm only doing for me? Not because I feel inadequate...or feel like it's a requirement for me to accomplish this task. What am I truly doing for myself without the urging of the people around me? The things I would normally respond with are not things I'm working to improve on...they are just things I like. I like to play piano (but I'm terrible), I like to sing, I like to scrapbook, I like to crochet...? I like these things, but I could live without them in general (maybe not singing, I need that for sure).
How can you be yourself if you have no idea what is driving you? How can you make an end goal if you're not sure what of your current options are even things you want to be doing in the first place? How does a person get this far and suddenly realize they are passionless??? And now what the heck am I supposed to do to fix it???
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Maybe I Fought the Fight Right Out of Me
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one fighting for things.
When that happens, what are the chances it means it's not something worth fighting for? If no one else joins you in the battle, maybe your fight isn't worth it.
I apologize that my posts are all about relationships, but I suppose that's what I feel like consumes my thoughts these days. You either get all my musings about my various relationships, or you're going to get my disdain for pharmacology. Your call, but for now, I pick relationships.
I was recently told that I love with my whole heart. I wasn't sure how to take that. To be entirely honest, I was a little disappointed. Love with my whole heart? Well...it sounds good, but really? Where has it actually gotten me? The answer is: not too far with a lot of whole heart hurting along the way.
So it leads me to wonder if I really understood what love was in the first place. Maybe I just try to love with my whole heart, but I'm actually just a controlling nut job who wants whatever it is I claim as my own. Now, that is not love...that is crazy. Who am I to impose some kind of rule over another person because I think I'm trying to love them when they don't know if it's what they want me to be doing. Then I'm just...that girl.
Don't get me wrong, there is a definitely a place for whole heart loving...but maybe I just don't get it...maybe I haven't figured out the right place for whole heart loving. Maybe I haven't figured out the switch for how to turn it off? I mean, I thought I did, and things definitely feel different...but my expectations are the same and there's still something there and what the heck do I do with that?
Here's what I know about love...some of it I've learned on my own, some of it I've learned from others, and some of it I picked up from Disney movies...so sue me.
Love thing #1: Love feels different. It's not like it was...something changes in you and everything seems to follow. Every kiss, every touch, every look, every thought...is tingly. At least, it was for me. The day I knew I was truly in love was the day I felt like TinkerBell was sprinkling fairy dust all over me...I felt all sparkly. Stupid, but true.
Love thing #2: Love makes you act stupid. You say the things you swore you'd never say. You actually literally miss a person when they've been gone for 15 minutes. You get all swoony and come up with stupid names for things...you call late at night, you call early in the morning, and any chance you have to say how you really feel, you take...because it consumes you.
Love thing #3: Love gives you a feeling of ownership and pride. Not in that creepy "I own you and don't you dare think about leaving this house" way, but in that "I desperately I want to keep you" way. This is the stage that brings healthy jealousy. I think it's also the stage where you learn to really appreciate the person you're with for their strengths, and try desperately to help them with their weaknesses so that their life can be a little bit better down the road.
Love thing #4: Love makes you listen more closely. You want to be able to repeat some minor detail back later on to prove you were listening to prove that you care. You want to be able to buy the right gift that they never asked for, but you know how desperately they want it.
Love thing #5: Love makes you think about all of those things you were sure you weren't ready for...but suddenly you are. You start planning trips and planning lives. Your assurance in each other is enough to make any option a viable one...and the excitement of those options overflows because it is more opportunity to spend together.
Love thing #6: Love makes everyone else seem stupid for not getting it. Sorry friends, but it's the truth. It's like all of the sudden this one person is your only ally and while you tell yourself that it's really important for everyone else to be on board, you really mean to say, "I'm sure, so you better be sure".
Love thing #7: Love makes you want to be the best you can possibly be for this one other person. Every thought they have is the most important thought, and every activity they want to do sounds like it could be really fun. Everything that they find interesting or exciting is something you start trying really hard to feel the same way about...at least try...
Love thing #8: Love catches you completely off guard and it's super hard to turn off. I thought I was in love until I actually fell in love...and when that happened I was sunk. My whole heart fell in right away and fighting that feeling has been the hardest thing for me to do.
So is it worth it? How do you know which love is the right love? Is it worth giving up love for the possibility of finding a love that you can't imagine could flow deeper or mean more? If you're sure beyond a shadow of a doubt...then can you really be asked to give that up? I mean, can a first love be just a first love, or can it be a forever love? Or should you not expect your first love to be forever love? In which case, why bother ever falling in love if you know the first time is going to end badly anyway?
How sure can you really be?
Not only that, but can I keep fighting for something I know to be true when...well, when I'm the only one fighting for it?
When that happens, what are the chances it means it's not something worth fighting for? If no one else joins you in the battle, maybe your fight isn't worth it.
I apologize that my posts are all about relationships, but I suppose that's what I feel like consumes my thoughts these days. You either get all my musings about my various relationships, or you're going to get my disdain for pharmacology. Your call, but for now, I pick relationships.
I was recently told that I love with my whole heart. I wasn't sure how to take that. To be entirely honest, I was a little disappointed. Love with my whole heart? Well...it sounds good, but really? Where has it actually gotten me? The answer is: not too far with a lot of whole heart hurting along the way.
So it leads me to wonder if I really understood what love was in the first place. Maybe I just try to love with my whole heart, but I'm actually just a controlling nut job who wants whatever it is I claim as my own. Now, that is not love...that is crazy. Who am I to impose some kind of rule over another person because I think I'm trying to love them when they don't know if it's what they want me to be doing. Then I'm just...that girl.
Don't get me wrong, there is a definitely a place for whole heart loving...but maybe I just don't get it...maybe I haven't figured out the right place for whole heart loving. Maybe I haven't figured out the switch for how to turn it off? I mean, I thought I did, and things definitely feel different...but my expectations are the same and there's still something there and what the heck do I do with that?
Here's what I know about love...some of it I've learned on my own, some of it I've learned from others, and some of it I picked up from Disney movies...so sue me.
Love thing #1: Love feels different. It's not like it was...something changes in you and everything seems to follow. Every kiss, every touch, every look, every thought...is tingly. At least, it was for me. The day I knew I was truly in love was the day I felt like TinkerBell was sprinkling fairy dust all over me...I felt all sparkly. Stupid, but true.
Love thing #2: Love makes you act stupid. You say the things you swore you'd never say. You actually literally miss a person when they've been gone for 15 minutes. You get all swoony and come up with stupid names for things...you call late at night, you call early in the morning, and any chance you have to say how you really feel, you take...because it consumes you.
Love thing #3: Love gives you a feeling of ownership and pride. Not in that creepy "I own you and don't you dare think about leaving this house" way, but in that "I desperately I want to keep you" way. This is the stage that brings healthy jealousy. I think it's also the stage where you learn to really appreciate the person you're with for their strengths, and try desperately to help them with their weaknesses so that their life can be a little bit better down the road.
Love thing #4: Love makes you listen more closely. You want to be able to repeat some minor detail back later on to prove you were listening to prove that you care. You want to be able to buy the right gift that they never asked for, but you know how desperately they want it.
Love thing #5: Love makes you think about all of those things you were sure you weren't ready for...but suddenly you are. You start planning trips and planning lives. Your assurance in each other is enough to make any option a viable one...and the excitement of those options overflows because it is more opportunity to spend together.
Love thing #6: Love makes everyone else seem stupid for not getting it. Sorry friends, but it's the truth. It's like all of the sudden this one person is your only ally and while you tell yourself that it's really important for everyone else to be on board, you really mean to say, "I'm sure, so you better be sure".
Love thing #7: Love makes you want to be the best you can possibly be for this one other person. Every thought they have is the most important thought, and every activity they want to do sounds like it could be really fun. Everything that they find interesting or exciting is something you start trying really hard to feel the same way about...at least try...
Love thing #8: Love catches you completely off guard and it's super hard to turn off. I thought I was in love until I actually fell in love...and when that happened I was sunk. My whole heart fell in right away and fighting that feeling has been the hardest thing for me to do.
So is it worth it? How do you know which love is the right love? Is it worth giving up love for the possibility of finding a love that you can't imagine could flow deeper or mean more? If you're sure beyond a shadow of a doubt...then can you really be asked to give that up? I mean, can a first love be just a first love, or can it be a forever love? Or should you not expect your first love to be forever love? In which case, why bother ever falling in love if you know the first time is going to end badly anyway?
How sure can you really be?
Not only that, but can I keep fighting for something I know to be true when...well, when I'm the only one fighting for it?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
So I Have A Little Crazy...
An extremely insightful and wise friend once told me that "Everyone has a little crazy in them, it's just a matter of figuring out what kind of crazy you are, and embracing it." She just told me that around Christmastime...and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and it's application to my relationships.
I spent a huge part of my life trying to not be crazy. I always wanted to be the level-headed girlfriend or the understanding and always kind friend. It turns out, I have a little crazy. So after a week or two of rejecting this philosophy because clearly I am the exception as not-crazy...I started to embrace it and I've spent a lot of time considering it.
What kind of crazy am I? This is what I've come up with so far...it's a part of who I am and it's affected every relationship I've ever had. Some of these things I recognized a long time ago, but some of them I'm just now starting to recognize as a part of me and not a "phase".
I spent a huge part of my life trying to not be crazy. I always wanted to be the level-headed girlfriend or the understanding and always kind friend. It turns out, I have a little crazy. So after a week or two of rejecting this philosophy because clearly I am the exception as not-crazy...I started to embrace it and I've spent a lot of time considering it.
What kind of crazy am I? This is what I've come up with so far...it's a part of who I am and it's affected every relationship I've ever had. Some of these things I recognized a long time ago, but some of them I'm just now starting to recognize as a part of me and not a "phase".
- I am paranoid-crazy. Not paranoid of bad things happening or superstitious...but paranoid that people don't like me or I've done something to make them mad. I've had this for forever and I'm just now starting to recognize it and deal with it before it causes trouble in friendships and relationships.
- I am anxious-crazy. I like to be involved and I LOVE to sing and I really want to not fail out of school...but all that pressure makes me extremely anxious and more than one person has seen me crack under it all.
- I am jealous-crazy. This is a crazy I vowed to never be, but I've learned to accept that I expect things from relationships and whoever ends up with me better darn well accept the fact that his relationships with other women must be EXTREMELY transparent or we will go through a very difficult time in our relationship for a very long time.
- I am "heart on my sleeve"-crazy. I fall hard and fast and I tend to expect that from other people and sometimes get sad when it doesn't work that way for them.
- I am "too difficult to verbalize"-crazy. I have a VERY difficult time expressing my feelings verbally...at that point it tends to be a tornado of words that I have felt for a long time coming out in an illogical string for hours. Sometimes people read this as a vulnerability issue, when in reality I just want to make sure I say what I mean when the time comes...though I may have difficulty being really vulnerable at times...
- I am "easily excitable"-crazy. If you've met me, you understand. 'Nuff said.
- I am "over committed" crazy. I want to be involved and I try to be involved in everything imaginable. I recently recognized that some things had to go or else I would be sacrificing my sanity. I think my sanity went anyway, but it was really hard for me to give up activities I was really excited about...sigh...that's one I'm definitely still working on.
- I am "impulsive texter/emailer" crazy. If I'm mad, chances are you will get an angry email stating everything I think and feel because of my "too difficult to verbalize" crazy.
- I am "Nocturnal" crazy. Generally this crazy isn't a big deal, but it will be when I get married to a man who sleeps regular hours. In fact, it is trouble now because I can usually only be found at school after dark so the sun won't burn my skin when I leave my apt. I also notice that the time I really want to talk about real things tends to start at about 2 am...guess who's up at that time to share my life thoughts with....yeah, no one. Dang.
- I am "whatever makes it easier for you" crazy. I have a hard time asking for things I want or need if those things have the potential to put a burden on someone else. I'm starting to recognize that if the roles were reversed, I would always want someone to come to me with their burdens and needs and in seeing that, I'm starting to find myself reaching out more...but it's definitely been a struggle and I'm sure it contributes to my "over committed" crazy.
- I am "protect family at whatever cost" crazy. I don't care who you are or how good of friends we are...the minute you say something bad about my family or close friends...or if you treat them poorly, our friendship will be over for sure. I have no tolerance for that kind of disrespect to the people who I respect and love with everything in me. Period.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Off the Radar.
I feel like I fell off the radar.
Don't get me wrong, I guess ultimately I have brought this upon myself. I went through a pretty rough few months and had a hard time really relying on other people to help me through it. In that, I think I alienated the people who were closest to me.
It happened on accident and it happened really slowly. I tried to invite people to come play with me, but I was having a hard time getting up the energy to want to go out on someone else's schedule. Some days were just days I could not bring myself to "be myself," or whoever everyone else that that was. I felt like I would be a disappointment if I couldn't be a little hypomanic when we were all spending time together. I found myself hiding out because of my sadness...and that has apparently become somewhat problematic.
There was a time when I thought running in a bunch of different groups was totally awesome. Now I feel like it isn't so awesome. I feel really lonely. I'm not getting invited to anything because I'm periphery to everything. I mean, I know I brought it upon myself, but does it have to be like this? I know that there are a lot of events I could probably crash and not get kicked out...but I don't particularly like to feel like I'm crashing.
There are days when I get super pumped about Joplin because I could use a fresh start. A chance to make some new friends, maybe not make the same mistakes again. But let's be real. I'll still have friends who think they know best and who will do their best to tell me the right thing to do, but I'll disagree and do something totally different. I'll still be busy and find myself canceling on things just because I can't find time...or because I need some time to not do anything. There are a lot of things that I will still be figuring out. Not to mention, the density of people in Joplin will be smaller...I'll be hanging out with doctors twice my age and I'll only know...5 people in town when I get there. It's a scary consideration, but what happens if I don't make friends or lose the few I'll walk in with? Yikes.
All that to say, I suppose I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I can't go 3-4 more months without friends or a "homebase" of sorts. I'm excited to feel like I'm finally climbing out of my funk and finding that hypomanic part of me I've missed so much. I just kind of think it might already be too late for my Kirksville recovery. Perhaps Joplin and I will have a more stable friendship.
Don't get me wrong, I guess ultimately I have brought this upon myself. I went through a pretty rough few months and had a hard time really relying on other people to help me through it. In that, I think I alienated the people who were closest to me.
It happened on accident and it happened really slowly. I tried to invite people to come play with me, but I was having a hard time getting up the energy to want to go out on someone else's schedule. Some days were just days I could not bring myself to "be myself," or whoever everyone else that that was. I felt like I would be a disappointment if I couldn't be a little hypomanic when we were all spending time together. I found myself hiding out because of my sadness...and that has apparently become somewhat problematic.
There was a time when I thought running in a bunch of different groups was totally awesome. Now I feel like it isn't so awesome. I feel really lonely. I'm not getting invited to anything because I'm periphery to everything. I mean, I know I brought it upon myself, but does it have to be like this? I know that there are a lot of events I could probably crash and not get kicked out...but I don't particularly like to feel like I'm crashing.
There are days when I get super pumped about Joplin because I could use a fresh start. A chance to make some new friends, maybe not make the same mistakes again. But let's be real. I'll still have friends who think they know best and who will do their best to tell me the right thing to do, but I'll disagree and do something totally different. I'll still be busy and find myself canceling on things just because I can't find time...or because I need some time to not do anything. There are a lot of things that I will still be figuring out. Not to mention, the density of people in Joplin will be smaller...I'll be hanging out with doctors twice my age and I'll only know...5 people in town when I get there. It's a scary consideration, but what happens if I don't make friends or lose the few I'll walk in with? Yikes.
All that to say, I suppose I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I can't go 3-4 more months without friends or a "homebase" of sorts. I'm excited to feel like I'm finally climbing out of my funk and finding that hypomanic part of me I've missed so much. I just kind of think it might already be too late for my Kirksville recovery. Perhaps Joplin and I will have a more stable friendship.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Oh to just be me...
It's weird when you suddenly find yourself becoming this person you never ever thought you'd become. I think growing up I had this idea of the strong, independent, head strong woman I would end up being. In fact, I see myself as this wishy washy, bad decision maker who will do anything for anyone just because. I mean, that last part doesn't sound so bad, but trust me, it's not great. I find myself doing the stupidest things to impress the most ridiculous of people...just because. Silly me.
I think this is another one of those transition points. You know, crossing the threshold from young adult post-college to actual almost adult who should be able to keep up with her water bill and her eye appointments. At the end of the day, I don't think I grew up enough yet. I spent so much time watching Disney movies and acting like a goofball that now when the time demands my adultness...it's nowhere to be found.
I know it sounds weird...and I'm leaving a lot of holes in the story...but I'm doing it on purpose. At one point, I blogged allllll about how I was finally secure in myself and who I was and, darn it, if somebody didn't like it, they could go lick a rock...or some such nonsense. And, for a time, that was true. A time when I had a lot of friends, was embarking a new journey, and didn't really have to concern myself with the drama that changes us with time. I mean, when I was so completely sure of myself I was single, with brand new friends that I hadn't had the chance to disappoint yet, and old friends who knew all about my crazy. Not to mention, check me out, living by myself, paying the rent, handling my own finances...woot. Adult, yes?
WRONG! Sooooo unbelievably wrong. In fact, I am still reeling from the wrongness of this exact statement. That me, single and loving it me, was an entity all her own. Completely independent of anyone or anything and able to do it all alone. All of it. Yeah, it's great when that comes back to bite you in the butt and laugh about it to your face.
Since then, it's like every insecurity I ever had has come rushing back at category 4 hurricane gusts. It's ridiculous. Smart girl who gets into med school then has become the girl who is sure she'll fail her boards and not be allowed to move to Joplin...assuming I even get to take my boards. Crazy confidence girl has become so lost in her inhibitions that the best I can do is tread water until I drown for a little while. It's a weird feeling.
Weirder still, all of these feelings are brought on by other people! There are people who have made me so keenly aware of all of my insecurities that hearing their name makes my skin crawl and I think knocks my confidence down about 100 points. In every imaginable arena. Personality, looks, Jesus-ness, hair, funness, Biblical knowledge...weight lifting, running...it's insane.
I can't figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It's good that I now recognize that I have a whoooole lot of work to do on the self that I thought was done being worked on. I am no where near ready for the challenges and feats that I thought I was mentally preparing for. I am incapable of talking specifically about my feelings to anyone else. I feel lost and alone in a crowded room. I am overwhelmed by inadequacy academically...and I have days where I feel like I can barely pray because the last thing I deserve is to make the smallest noise in the direction of my heavenly father.
This is a weird place for me to be. I have a hard time describing because I don't entirely understand it. I have a few people I talk to about it, but I can't find the words that make sense. Who the heck am I supposed to be now? What does adult Casey look like? When is that finalized because this rollercoaster is making me so sick.
I think I've learned that I defined myself by the wrong standards and when those standards were challenged and pushed, I didn't have a foothold. Talk about bad news tennis shoes. I have the hardest time seeing myself in the eyes of a God who created me with talents and gifts specific to me that no one else has. I don't get that...it doesn't make sense to me. And I think until I can grab hold of that and hold on for dear life, I'll continue to find myself caught up in this riptide of rejection, loneliness, anxiety and fear...and complete and utter confusion.
Something to work on I suppose. Clearly prayer is going to be useful for this new challenge of identifying myself by looking in the face of Christ. Deep breaths - things are going to get harder before they get any easier.
I think this is another one of those transition points. You know, crossing the threshold from young adult post-college to actual almost adult who should be able to keep up with her water bill and her eye appointments. At the end of the day, I don't think I grew up enough yet. I spent so much time watching Disney movies and acting like a goofball that now when the time demands my adultness...it's nowhere to be found.
I know it sounds weird...and I'm leaving a lot of holes in the story...but I'm doing it on purpose. At one point, I blogged allllll about how I was finally secure in myself and who I was and, darn it, if somebody didn't like it, they could go lick a rock...or some such nonsense. And, for a time, that was true. A time when I had a lot of friends, was embarking a new journey, and didn't really have to concern myself with the drama that changes us with time. I mean, when I was so completely sure of myself I was single, with brand new friends that I hadn't had the chance to disappoint yet, and old friends who knew all about my crazy. Not to mention, check me out, living by myself, paying the rent, handling my own finances...woot. Adult, yes?
WRONG! Sooooo unbelievably wrong. In fact, I am still reeling from the wrongness of this exact statement. That me, single and loving it me, was an entity all her own. Completely independent of anyone or anything and able to do it all alone. All of it. Yeah, it's great when that comes back to bite you in the butt and laugh about it to your face.
Since then, it's like every insecurity I ever had has come rushing back at category 4 hurricane gusts. It's ridiculous. Smart girl who gets into med school then has become the girl who is sure she'll fail her boards and not be allowed to move to Joplin...assuming I even get to take my boards. Crazy confidence girl has become so lost in her inhibitions that the best I can do is tread water until I drown for a little while. It's a weird feeling.
Weirder still, all of these feelings are brought on by other people! There are people who have made me so keenly aware of all of my insecurities that hearing their name makes my skin crawl and I think knocks my confidence down about 100 points. In every imaginable arena. Personality, looks, Jesus-ness, hair, funness, Biblical knowledge...weight lifting, running...it's insane.
I can't figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It's good that I now recognize that I have a whoooole lot of work to do on the self that I thought was done being worked on. I am no where near ready for the challenges and feats that I thought I was mentally preparing for. I am incapable of talking specifically about my feelings to anyone else. I feel lost and alone in a crowded room. I am overwhelmed by inadequacy academically...and I have days where I feel like I can barely pray because the last thing I deserve is to make the smallest noise in the direction of my heavenly father.
This is a weird place for me to be. I have a hard time describing because I don't entirely understand it. I have a few people I talk to about it, but I can't find the words that make sense. Who the heck am I supposed to be now? What does adult Casey look like? When is that finalized because this rollercoaster is making me so sick.
I think I've learned that I defined myself by the wrong standards and when those standards were challenged and pushed, I didn't have a foothold. Talk about bad news tennis shoes. I have the hardest time seeing myself in the eyes of a God who created me with talents and gifts specific to me that no one else has. I don't get that...it doesn't make sense to me. And I think until I can grab hold of that and hold on for dear life, I'll continue to find myself caught up in this riptide of rejection, loneliness, anxiety and fear...and complete and utter confusion.
Something to work on I suppose. Clearly prayer is going to be useful for this new challenge of identifying myself by looking in the face of Christ. Deep breaths - things are going to get harder before they get any easier.
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