I took up journaling...mostly because I had things to say that didn't need to be public knowledge. I'm still journaling, but I wanted to start sharing my heart again because every time I do I feel like a piece of it makes more sense to me again. Little by little.
"Oh for a dream - oh for the wishing. Oh to keep hoping all the while knowing the delicate tightrope I'm walking between reality and dreaming.
'Until the day this love is returned to me or surpassed by another, my heart will be grateful for the experiece of a perfect love.
'And I keep praying for continued grace, peace and mercies I don't deserve..."
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Time Goes By So Slowly
I am, in my truest nature, an introvert. I spend a lot of time reflecting. Some of it is spent in public blogs, some of it is spent writing page after page of letters to people who will never receive them, I talk a LOT about what I think and how I feel, but I worry that I'm always saying the wrong thing. Somehow over the years since graduating college I figured out how to talk to appear extroverted, but at the end of the day - I'm not.
Today I find myself lost in time. Thinking about the last 5 years since I've left Olivet, the 10 years since I graduated high school...and how who I am now is almost an entirely different person. But when I sit and think about years and years of change in myself, what I keep falling back on is the past 5 months in Lansing, the past 7 since I left Joplin.
Most importantly, it's been 4 weeks. Four weeks since all of my plans changed. Four weeks of walking on egg shells and trying to find the right words to say. Four weeks of slowly realizing that there's nothing I can do to change the outcome. Four weeks. It feels like it's been forever already. All I know is that I have to let go. That every day I make one more change in an attempt to allow my heart to heal. Slowly, but surely I suppose.
It's amazing what can happen in just 4 weeks. I fell in love in just about that period of time...but I'm finding you can't fall out of love quite so easily.
Every day strengthens the realization that not only do my plans have to change, but at some point he'll meet a woman who can be what he needs. I would probably be ok if I didn't have to know that part of the story. Alas, it's the part of the story that gets easier each time it happens.
Onto another 4 weeks...
Today I find myself lost in time. Thinking about the last 5 years since I've left Olivet, the 10 years since I graduated high school...and how who I am now is almost an entirely different person. But when I sit and think about years and years of change in myself, what I keep falling back on is the past 5 months in Lansing, the past 7 since I left Joplin.
Most importantly, it's been 4 weeks. Four weeks since all of my plans changed. Four weeks of walking on egg shells and trying to find the right words to say. Four weeks of slowly realizing that there's nothing I can do to change the outcome. Four weeks. It feels like it's been forever already. All I know is that I have to let go. That every day I make one more change in an attempt to allow my heart to heal. Slowly, but surely I suppose.
It's amazing what can happen in just 4 weeks. I fell in love in just about that period of time...but I'm finding you can't fall out of love quite so easily.
Every day strengthens the realization that not only do my plans have to change, but at some point he'll meet a woman who can be what he needs. I would probably be ok if I didn't have to know that part of the story. Alas, it's the part of the story that gets easier each time it happens.
Onto another 4 weeks...
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