I believe in magic.
In fact, I always have. As long as I can remember, I have always had this ability to find magic in the world around me. Whether it's Disney magic, or Jesus magic, or love magic...it's always been something I hold onto. I feel like it makes the world more beautiful.
I love that song Firework by Katy Perry. I think it's a beautiful message of hope and self confidence. I think a song that encourages people to look inside themselves and find that magic firework is a great song to be in the top hits for sure.
That said, I think I'm struggling to find that magical spark in myself again. I don't know if it's just been replaced with a more jaded and sensible me....or if I'm just waiting to be surprised by the magic again. Either way, I was recently told by someone I had just met that he thought I was going to be "mean". He then proceeded to say he thought I was probably a "half-empty" person while he himself, of course, was half-full.
WHAT?! Half-empty?!! The only people who have ever said that about me are like...my parents when they're mad at me for PMSing. But a person who meets me one night and strikes up a conversation where I probably harassed him a little more than necessary thinks I'm mean?! This is something that has never been said about me before. I am not a mean person. I am a magic-lover! And magic-lovers by definition cannot be mean.
Apparently I have let the crazy of my life affect me in such a way that I've lost the ability to be open and magic-filled with new people. I've developed this guardedness that I've never had in the past. I'm afraid of letting people in because I'm so tired of hurting...I'm so tired of being that girl who let's herself get hurt over and over again. I have never been so guarded that hanging out with a new boy becomes a process of having to make-up for my apparent "meanness" from our first meeting.
I need to work on this jadedness I've developed. I don't want my past to so cloud who I am that people can't see my love for magic when they meet me. I want to be able to believe in the magic of falling in love again. I want to believe that my heart can be restored to it's original openness.
I know we're told to "guard our hearts" and whatever other stuff the Christian literature is feeding young women these days...but I still feel like there's something to be said for living with a heart so open that you feel every crushing blow. If you can keep it from scarring over and becoming hard and jaded, I truly believe you can make magic with a heart like that.
And that's what I want. To be restored to a heart that loves freely and fully...that still believes in the magic...
