So I Have A Little Crazy...

An extremely insightful and wise friend once told me that "Everyone has a little crazy in them, it's just a matter of figuring out what kind of crazy you are, and embracing it." She just told me that around Christmastime...and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and it's application to my relationships.

I spent a huge part of my life trying to not be crazy. I always wanted to be the level-headed girlfriend or the understanding and always kind friend. It turns out, I have a little crazy. So after a week or two of rejecting this philosophy because clearly I am the exception as not-crazy...I started to embrace it and I've spent a lot of time considering it.

What kind of crazy am I? This is what I've come up with so far...it's a part of who I am and it's affected every relationship I've ever had. Some of these things I recognized a long time ago, but some of them I'm just now starting to recognize as a part of me and not a "phase".

• I am paranoid-crazy. Not paranoid of bad things happening or superstitious...but paranoid that people don't like me or I've done something to make them mad. I've had this for forever and I'm just now starting to recognize it and deal with it before it causes trouble in friendships and relationships.
• I am anxious-crazy. I like to be involved and I LOVE to sing and I really want to not fail out of school...but all that pressure makes me extremely anxious and more than one person has seen me crack under it all.
• I am jealous-crazy. This is a crazy I vowed to never be, but I've learned to accept that I expect things from relationships and whoever ends up with me better darn well accept the fact that his relationships with other women must be EXTREMELY transparent or we will go through a very difficult time in our relationship for a very long time.
  
• I am "heart on my sleeve"-crazy. I fall hard and fast and I tend to expect that from other people and sometimes get sad when it doesn't work that way for them.
• I am "too difficult to verbalize"-crazy. I have a VERY difficult time expressing my feelings verbally...at that point it tends to be a tornado of words that I have felt for a long time coming out in an illogical string for hours. Sometimes people read this as a vulnerability issue, when in reality I just want to make sure I say what I mean when the time comes...though I may have difficulty being really vulnerable at times...
  
• I am "easily excitable"-crazy. If you've met me, you understand. 'Nuff said.
• I am "over committed" crazy. I want to be involved and I try to be involved in everything imaginable. I recently recognized that some things had to go or else I would be sacrificing my sanity. I think my sanity went anyway, but it was really hard for me to give up activities I was really excited about...sigh...that's one I'm definitely still working on.
• I am "impulsive texter/emailer" crazy. If I'm mad, chances are you will get an angry email stating everything I think and feel because of my "too difficult to verbalize" crazy.
• I am "Nocturnal" crazy. Generally this crazy isn't a big deal, but it will be when I get married to a man who sleeps regular hours. In fact, it is trouble now because I can usually only be found at school after dark so the sun won't burn my skin when I leave my apt. I also notice that the time I really want to talk about real things tends to start at about 2 am...guess who's up at that time to share my life thoughts with....yeah, no one. Dang.
  
• I am "whatever makes it easier for you" crazy. I have a hard time asking for things I want or need if those things have the potential to put a burden on someone else. I'm starting to recognize that if the roles were reversed, I would always want someone to come to me with their burdens and needs and in seeing that, I'm starting to find myself reaching out more...but it's definitely been a struggle and I'm sure it contributes to my "over committed" crazy.
• I am "protect family at whatever cost" crazy. I don't care who you are or how good of friends we are...the minute you say something bad about my family or close friends...or if you treat them poorly, our friendship will be over for sure. I have no tolerance for that kind of disrespect to the people who I respect and love with everything in me. Period.
  

I'm trying to be super reflective these days on my life and where it's going based on where I've come from. I think this is a good step in the right direction to recognizing who I am and embracing it rather than fighting it. I'm trying to really appreciate me for who I am and I hope in the process other people can, too!

Off the Radar.

I feel like I fell off the radar.

Don't get me wrong, I guess ultimately I have brought this upon myself. I went through a pretty rough few months and had a hard time really relying on other people to help me through it. In that, I think I alienated the people who were closest to me.

It happened on accident and it happened really slowly. I tried to invite people to come play with me, but I was having a hard time getting up the energy to want to go out on someone else's schedule. Some days were just days I could not bring myself to "be myself," or whoever everyone else that that was. I felt like I would be a disappointment if I couldn't be a little hypomanic when we were all spending time together. I found myself hiding out because of my sadness...and that has apparently become somewhat problematic.

There was a time when I thought running in a bunch of different groups was totally awesome. Now I feel like it isn't so awesome. I feel really lonely. I'm not getting invited to anything because I'm periphery to everything. I mean, I know I brought it upon myself, but does it have to be like this? I know that there are a lot of events I could probably crash and not get kicked out...but I don't particularly like to feel like I'm crashing.

There are days when I get super pumped about Joplin because I could use a fresh start. A chance to make some new friends, maybe not make the same mistakes again. But let's be real. I'll still have friends who think they know best and who will do their best to tell me the right thing to do, but I'll disagree and do something totally different. I'll still be busy and find myself canceling on things just because I can't find time...or because I need some time to not do anything. There are a lot of things that I will still be figuring out. Not to mention, the density of people in Joplin will be smaller...I'll be hanging out with doctors twice my age and I'll only know...5 people in town when I get there. It's a scary consideration, but what happens if I don't make friends or lose the few I'll walk in with? Yikes.

All that to say, I suppose I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I can't go 3-4 more months without friends or a "homebase" of sorts. I'm excited to feel like I'm finally climbing out of my funk and finding that hypomanic part of me I've missed so much. I just kind of think it might already be too late for my Kirksville recovery. Perhaps Joplin and I will have a more stable friendship.

Oh to just be me...

It's weird when you suddenly find yourself becoming this person you never ever thought you'd become. I think growing up I had this idea of the strong, independent, head strong woman I would end up being. In fact, I see myself as this wishy washy, bad decision maker who will do anything for anyone just because. I mean, that last part doesn't sound so bad, but trust me, it's not great. I find myself doing the stupidest things to impress the most ridiculous of people...just because. Silly me.

I think this is another one of those transition points. You know, crossing the threshold from young adult post-college to actual almost adult who should be able to keep up with her water bill and her eye appointments. At the end of the day, I don't think I grew up enough yet. I spent so much time watching Disney movies and acting like a goofball that now when the time demands my adultness...it's nowhere to be found.

I know it sounds weird...and I'm leaving a lot of holes in the story...but I'm doing it on purpose. At one point, I blogged allllll about how I was finally secure in myself and who I was and, darn it, if somebody didn't like it, they could go lick a rock...or some such nonsense. And, for a time, that was true. A time when I had a lot of friends, was embarking a new journey, and didn't really have to concern myself with the drama that changes us with time. I mean, when I was so completely sure of myself I was single, with brand new friends that I hadn't had the chance to disappoint yet, and old friends who knew all about my crazy. Not to mention, check me out, living by myself, paying the rent, handling my own finances...woot. Adult, yes?

WRONG! Sooooo unbelievably wrong. In fact, I am still reeling from the wrongness of this exact statement. That me, single and loving it me, was an entity all her own. Completely independent of anyone or anything and able to do it all alone. All of it. Yeah, it's great when that comes back to bite you in the butt and laugh about it to your face.

Since then, it's like every insecurity I ever had has come rushing back at category 4 hurricane gusts. It's ridiculous. Smart girl who gets into med school then has become the girl who is sure she'll fail her boards and not be allowed to move to Joplin...assuming I even get to take my boards. Crazy confidence girl has become so lost in her inhibitions that the best I can do is tread water until I drown for a little while. It's a weird feeling.

Weirder still, all of these feelings are brought on by other people! There are people who have made me so keenly aware of all of my insecurities that hearing their name makes my skin crawl and I think knocks my confidence down about 100 points. In every imaginable arena. Personality, looks, Jesus-ness, hair, funness, Biblical knowledge...weight lifting, running...it's insane.

I can't figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It's good that I now recognize that I have a whoooole lot of work to do on the self that I thought was done being worked on. I am no where near ready for the challenges and feats that I thought I was mentally preparing for. I am incapable of talking specifically about my feelings to anyone else. I feel lost and alone in a crowded room. I am overwhelmed by inadequacy academically...and I have days where I feel like I can barely pray because the last thing I deserve is to make the smallest noise in the direction of my heavenly father.

This is a weird place for me to be. I have a hard time describing because I don't entirely understand it. I have a few people I talk to about it, but I can't find the words that make sense. Who the heck am I supposed to be now? What does adult Casey look like? When is that finalized because this rollercoaster is making me so sick.

I think I've learned that I defined myself by the wrong standards and when those standards were challenged and pushed, I didn't have a foothold. Talk about bad news tennis shoes. I have the hardest time seeing myself in the eyes of a God who created me with talents and gifts specific to me that no one else has. I don't get that...it doesn't make sense to me. And I think until I can grab hold of that and hold on for dear life, I'll continue to find myself caught up in this riptide of rejection, loneliness, anxiety and fear...and complete and utter confusion.

Something to work on I suppose. Clearly prayer is going to be useful for this new challenge of identifying myself by looking in the face of Christ. Deep breaths - things are going to get harder before they get any easier.