It's weird when you suddenly find yourself becoming this person you never ever thought you'd become. I think growing up I had this idea of the strong, independent, head strong woman I would end up being. In fact, I see myself as this wishy washy, bad decision maker who will do anything for anyone just because. I mean, that last part doesn't sound so bad, but trust me, it's not great. I find myself doing the stupidest things to impress the most ridiculous of people...just because. Silly me.
I think this is another one of those transition points. You know, crossing the threshold from young adult post-college to actual almost adult who should be able to keep up with her water bill and her eye appointments. At the end of the day, I don't think I grew up enough yet. I spent so much time watching Disney movies and acting like a goofball that now when the time demands my adultness...it's nowhere to be found.
I know it sounds weird...and I'm leaving a lot of holes in the story...but I'm doing it on purpose. At one point, I blogged allllll about how I was finally secure in myself and who I was and, darn it, if somebody didn't like it, they could go lick a rock...or some such nonsense. And, for a time, that was true. A time when I had a lot of friends, was embarking a new journey, and didn't really have to concern myself with the drama that changes us with time. I mean, when I was so completely sure of myself I was single, with brand new friends that I hadn't had the chance to disappoint yet, and old friends who knew all about my crazy. Not to mention, check me out, living by myself, paying the rent, handling my own finances...woot. Adult, yes?
WRONG! Sooooo unbelievably wrong. In fact, I am still reeling from the wrongness of this exact statement. That me, single and loving it me, was an entity all her own. Completely independent of anyone or anything and able to do it all alone. All of it. Yeah, it's great when that comes back to bite you in the butt and laugh about it to your face.
Since then, it's like every insecurity I ever had has come rushing back at category 4 hurricane gusts. It's ridiculous. Smart girl who gets into med school then has become the girl who is sure she'll fail her boards and not be allowed to move to Joplin...assuming I even get to take my boards. Crazy confidence girl has become so lost in her inhibitions that the best I can do is tread water until I drown for a little while. It's a weird feeling.
Weirder still, all of these feelings are brought on by other people! There are people who have made me so keenly aware of all of my insecurities that hearing their name makes my skin crawl and I think knocks my confidence down about 100 points. In every imaginable arena. Personality, looks, Jesus-ness, hair, funness, Biblical knowledge...weight lifting, running...it's insane.
I can't figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It's good that I now recognize that I have a whoooole lot of work to do on the self that I thought was done being worked on. I am no where near ready for the challenges and feats that I thought I was mentally preparing for. I am incapable of talking specifically about my feelings to anyone else. I feel lost and alone in a crowded room. I am overwhelmed by inadequacy academically...and I have days where I feel like I can barely pray because the last thing I deserve is to make the smallest noise in the direction of my heavenly father.
This is a weird place for me to be. I have a hard time describing because I don't entirely understand it. I have a few people I talk to about it, but I can't find the words that make sense. Who the heck am I supposed to be now? What does adult Casey look like? When is that finalized because this rollercoaster is making me so sick.
I think I've learned that I defined myself by the wrong standards and when those standards were challenged and pushed, I didn't have a foothold. Talk about bad news tennis shoes. I have the hardest time seeing myself in the eyes of a God who created me with talents and gifts specific to me that no one else has. I don't get that...it doesn't make sense to me. And I think until I can grab hold of that and hold on for dear life, I'll continue to find myself caught up in this riptide of rejection, loneliness, anxiety and fear...and complete and utter confusion.
Something to work on I suppose. Clearly prayer is going to be useful for this new challenge of identifying myself by looking in the face of Christ. Deep breaths - things are going to get harder before they get any easier.
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