I spend a lot of time trying to prove people wrong about me. Generally when someone tells me I can't do something, it means I will dedicate my life to making them regret doubting me. I think it's the way my competitive spirit kicked in. I was too annoyed by high school sports to get into them, so instead I just get even with the nay-sayers of the world.
I am definitely not the smartest person I know. I didn't graduate number one in my high school class, and I truly didn't do that great in the college realm. I feel like a lot of my objective results in life have been about average. However, somehow I got into medical school...I convinced someone somewhere along the line to have enough faith in me to bring me into the fold. Now, in about 6 weeks, I'll be graduating on time from medical school and will be preparing to start residency.
What blows my mind is that I still struggle regularly with the thought that whatever I do doesn't measure up. It's a frustration I can't fully express to the entire internet community, but I have never felt like enough in any capacity.
And not because I wasn't surrounded by the most loving and engaged family of all time, because I was. And I think that may be where the issue began. It's taken me soooooo long to finally make something of my life that I feel like everyone else passed me up along the way. I have these brothers and cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents who are living their lives to the fullest in every capacity. They are beautiful inside and out and they have pursued their passions from the beginning.
I have struggled with finding meaning in the mundane. I've been trying to be reminded of the individual gifts and talents that God has blessed each of us with, but I just have such a hard time really focusing in on it. Maybe I've just let satan have a hold of this part of my heart for so long that it's become much easier to hear the constant ridicule inside my own head. I missing a peace that should make me feel whole and I'm sure it's because I'm simply not taking it into my own grasp.
I dream of being exceptional...but I worry that I will never see myself as more than an ordinary girl who lucked onto a series of fortunate circumstances. It's hard to find pride in your work when you don't see it as fruits of your own labor.
I have a lot of soul work to go, it seems.
1 comment:
this made me think of something laura wrote in a letter to judah..... here's the paragraph
This week I was writing a mental book. I do that sometimes. On my way home from work, sometimes I’ll start writing an internal novel. I never write it down. In fact, by the time I pull in front of the house, it’s generally forgotten. But this week I began writing the history of me from the age of 16. And I started to recall all of the places I thought I may have seen. Or the people I thought I would love. The jobs I thought I would have had. And although I never saw or loved or experienced any of the thing I thought I might at 16, I’m not at all shocked at where I’ve arrived. It feels like I should be, considering the incredible turns I’ve taken. But I guess I say all that to say, life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans. And I didn’t make that up. A guy named John Lennon did. He wrote it to his son in a song. Because I think he wanted him to know not to build your dreams on dreams. Life is gonna happen how it will happen. Dream big. Don’t misunderstand me there. Dream bigger than you think you should. But never ever let your dreams stop your life. Keep looking thoughtfully at how today effects tomorrow. Everything in life is a choice masked as fate. You make decisions that change your dreams. Just remain cognizant of it. And if you don’t, if you miss a step, remember that it will work out. That’s how I found you. And your dad. I missed a step. And I fell right into the dream I never bothered to dream.
In otherwords...... don't get caught up in what you're trying to get to all the time..... because you'll always be striving for that next great thing.... and you SHOULD be..... but don't forget about all the greatness that you are and you are doing right now. because you are incredible now, and you are doing great things now. be encouraged not to get there, but to keep it up!
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