Only the Best Intentions

It's amazing the promises we make with the best of intentions that we never really thought we'd keep. I guess we call those New Years Resolutions. Regardless, I've been struck recently with how promises have become so cheapened and how my best intentions never really get my best effort. I always thought to the two should go hand-in-hand.

For example: I have recently made a goal of mine to lose 10 pounds in 6 weeks for a friend's wedding. Luckily, I have a boyfriend who eats health food like it's going out of style, works out on a regular basis, and by simply living his normal life makes me feel guilty for my indulgences. It makes the weight loss thing a little easier. Not to mention the Doctor-prescribed 2-3 mile run everyday..which is a story for another day. Whether or not I meet this goal, I'm glad I feel healthier trying.

Let's be honest: as excited as I was to run 2 miles (all running!) for the first time after years of apparently half-effort...as soon as the boyfriend left town I'm noticing that I would MUCH rather revert back to my old eating habits and the joys of sitting on my couch reading and tv watching. I guess I shouldn't find that quite so shocking, but shouldn't I be at a point where my own health and well-being is enough to inspire me to take care of me regardless of who's watching?

Example 2 (yes, we are heading toward the slippery slope of too long an entry...get over it): A friend of mine is reading a book about humanity's inability genetically to stay faithful. Women who have affairs are more likely to get pregnant because the person they are having an affair with is more likely to be a top-rung competitor in the race for the survival of the fittest. Her body wants to have the spawn of the icky guy. How weird is it that we are not even biologically set to fulfill our promise to love and cherish until the end of time. It terrifies me to think that someday my wedding vows could just be made with the best of intentions and a lack of true effort...on either part. Good luck to the poor sap ridiculous enough to put a ring on my somewhat crooked, knuckle-lacking left 4th digit. No wonder so many women are crazy.

And so I am led to believe, as I often am during such times when I allow my insanity to run a little more rampant than usual, that perhaps my relationship with Christ merely receives my best of intentions with a lack of true effort. Of course I meant it when I asked for forgiveness for that sin, and of course I didn't want to make that same mistake twice...but alas, here I am again in the same old miry clay I find myself in every so often when my intentions and my efforts don't seem to match up.

I know that we toot our horns as Christians telling the world that Christianity is not about the motions, it's about a relationship...which I absolutely agree with. My relationship with Christ is what makes me Christian, not my ability to go through the motions. However, I would counter that my willingness to go through the motions is the first of many efforts that I often overlook. The "motions" as we call them, are the exact things that are meant to remind me of how much my relationship with Christ means to me...and how much I mean to Him. Sure, I'm not saved by reading my Bible regularly, going to church every chance I get, helping out with the kid's program, praying constantly, and witnessing...but it sure does take my relationship with Christ from one of intention to one of effort. And all that effort gives that relationship meaning.

We can't expect to take the step of a commitment with only intentions to carry us through. As any married couple can attest, it's the effort that keeps the relationship afloat. Every once in awhile, someone has to give a little. Seeing as how Christ already did the whole coming to Earth to save my soul by dying on a cross and paying the price for the sins I still commit thing...I figure it's probably my turn to give a little. Christ has already made the effort to keep his commitment to your relationship. Now it's your turn to decide if that commitment you made in return was just made with the best of intentions, or will you also give it your best effort?

Oh the Lenten season is upon us...

Now that I'm a little older, Lent starts to take on a different meaning. I also find it tends to sneak up on me more than it did when I lived at home and had my dad working on his Lent sermons weeks ahead of time...I always knew it was coming.

This year, I was reminded it was Lent when my Catholic friends at school were walking around with ash crossed on Ash Wednesday. At that point I thought, "whoops, didn't see that one coming..."

Sad to say, I'm still struggling pretty significantly to come up with something pretty significant to do for Lent. My newest philosophy is while my high school days of no more chocolate, soda, secular music, more consistent tithing, more consistent devotions...were great ideas, they just became something I was giving up and holding out until Easter so I could once again gorge myself with unhealthy things and never really think about it until the next Lent.

And so...here I am, wishing giving up studying was an option for Lent. I started going to a Methodist church recently because the Nazarene church in town wasn't doing it for me. The sermon today was about making lists for Lent. It was a lot about the blessings God has for us. He closed by saying "God has handed you a blank check". I thought that was interesting. What would I do with a blank check from God?

I figure God's blank check is probably cashable for those treasures you store up in heaven (Lay up your treasures in heaven, oh people, lay up your treasures in glory where nothing in this world can take them away, oh listen children hear the master say come and lay up = choir throwback). Treasures you store in heaven are what, exactly? Showing mercy, compassion, grace? Building relationships? I'm working with this as my definition, but I'm curious what other people are storing up in heaven.

Maybe for Lent I'll write a blank check out of God's account for the people around me. I think maybe this Lent it shouldn't be about me...because Lent's not really about what I can do to better myself. Lent's about the road Christ took to Calvary...the sacrifice He made for me. Maybe that's what Lent should be for us, the sacrifice we can make for other people. I bet it will make Lent more bearable too, rather than holding out for something I've given up for the season, maybe by consciously letting God use me to bless others, it's something I'll actually do outside of Lent...since it's less of a chore for me.

I was trying to make this shorter than usual, but I've failed again :) Sorry. It all just came to me so I shared as it fell into my brain. Maybe it would be good for all of us to share a little of the blank check blessings God has given to us this Lent.

Who IS That??

Things in Missouri are going well...in fact, I feel like I barely recognize myself, but in the good way.

I have spent many posts sharing my deepest most intimate thoughts about life, love and other mysteries. In fact, most of those have probably included my lack of all three of those particulars in my life. I've opted to be a student forever and thus I clearly lack a life; my love life has been anything but viable for 22 years, and as for other mysteries...I spend most of my life letting people walk all over me or lacking any amount of confidence to do much of anything.

Medical school has been awesome because it has offered me the chance to create for myself life, love and other mysteries. About a year ago, I came to the conclusion that I'm a relatively fun person who people seem to enjoy being around. Since that realization, I have tried my absolute best to just be me...me without having to impress the people without me. It's been actually pretty awesome to recognize that maybe I do have more to offer the world than just a place to wipe its feet as everyone around me takes off toward their lives. No one ever truly conveys the importance of confidence. More importantly, no one ever truly conveys how to come to a point where you actually have some :)

So....the result of this whole realization = me barely recognizing myself. Here is your update. I was recently elected class president after serving a quarter as the core liaison for my class appointed by the previous class president. It's awesome, seriously. The job has been so much fun and I've really enjoyed getting to know my council and I'm looking forward to everything we will hopefully accomplish in the coming months. Me as class president...I guarantee not one person reading this blog ever anticipated that turn of events...ever!

Update 2: First boyfriend. His name is Jesse and he is a pretty great guy to me. He's definitely been a learning experience, but it's been a good one so far. It's nice because we've been close friends since school started so I really feel like we're able to be very open and honest about what's going on with us, which has been really excellent. So, it turns out I am not nearly as hopeless as we all thought I might be :) Again, did anyone guess that? The answer = likely not.

Update 3: It's been amazing for me to see how God is working within my life in the everyday things that are so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. For Him to comfort me when I don't do as well on a test as I would have liked, for Him to provide encouragement for me when I just need a friend. More important, I feel like God is teaching me so much about what it means to be a Christian. I have given up my black and white-ness for real. I am tired of listening to Christians judge those around them. The fact of the matter is not one of us is perfect, and we can never truly understand the circumstances surrounding the decisions people make. Med School has taught me just how messed up people are, and just how desperately they need to be loved. I didn't realize that before. I never understood that before. People in the world are not looking for someone to point a finger and condemn them to hell in hopes of scaring them into Christianity. People are looking for hope, people are looking for something to make sense of the brokenness that surrounds them. People are just looking for love. Our job as Christians is not to point the finger, or claim that God is pointing His finger. Our job is not to preach fire and brimstone.

Our responsibility as members of the body of Christ is to simply be united in our commitment to love every single person completely unconditionally. Our responsibility is to be the same person with every one we come into contact with. God has commissioned us to be His light in the world.

People are messed up. People have been hurt, broken, and scared. People need someone to come into their life and not condemn them for the things that have been done to them, but to love them in spite of those things. I don't have all the answers, but I know that if Christ has called me to love my neighbor as myself, that I better start treating the people around me differently. I can't be afraid of people who are different than me because if I am, I lose all hope of being an effective witness for the Christ I serve.

Stop being afraid...get over your own self-doubt and get out there and live your life for Christ. Go hang out with the prostitutes, go hug the lepers. Forget the social status, forget the fear. When you gave your life to Christ, you died to Him. Your life is no longer your own, but it is a vessel for the spirit to touch a hurting world. My life is not my own...and I need to start recognizing that in my interactions with those around me...and I have a feeling most of us would do well to learn that same lesson.