I feel like I fell off the radar.
Don't get me wrong, I guess ultimately I have brought this upon myself. I went through a pretty rough few months and had a hard time really relying on other people to help me through it. In that, I think I alienated the people who were closest to me.
It happened on accident and it happened really slowly. I tried to invite people to come play with me, but I was having a hard time getting up the energy to want to go out on someone else's schedule. Some days were just days I could not bring myself to "be myself," or whoever everyone else that that was. I felt like I would be a disappointment if I couldn't be a little hypomanic when we were all spending time together. I found myself hiding out because of my sadness...and that has apparently become somewhat problematic.
There was a time when I thought running in a bunch of different groups was totally awesome. Now I feel like it isn't so awesome. I feel really lonely. I'm not getting invited to anything because I'm periphery to everything. I mean, I know I brought it upon myself, but does it have to be like this? I know that there are a lot of events I could probably crash and not get kicked out...but I don't particularly like to feel like I'm crashing.
There are days when I get super pumped about Joplin because I could use a fresh start. A chance to make some new friends, maybe not make the same mistakes again. But let's be real. I'll still have friends who think they know best and who will do their best to tell me the right thing to do, but I'll disagree and do something totally different. I'll still be busy and find myself canceling on things just because I can't find time...or because I need some time to not do anything. There are a lot of things that I will still be figuring out. Not to mention, the density of people in Joplin will be smaller...I'll be hanging out with doctors twice my age and I'll only know...5 people in town when I get there. It's a scary consideration, but what happens if I don't make friends or lose the few I'll walk in with? Yikes.
All that to say, I suppose I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I can't go 3-4 more months without friends or a "homebase" of sorts. I'm excited to feel like I'm finally climbing out of my funk and finding that hypomanic part of me I've missed so much. I just kind of think it might already be too late for my Kirksville recovery. Perhaps Joplin and I will have a more stable friendship.
4 comments:
Sometimes being "off the radar" can be a good thing. It can show us the friends that really care. They usually don't let people fall off the radar that easily, no matter how hard we try. :-)
joplin is going to be great.... and you'll get to see me every now and then. I LOVE YOU
Um, hello, not too late to reclaim your Kirksville base. And just in case you get homesick in Joplin... I'll still be here :-). I'm thinking that your use of "hypomanic" should say "hypermanic" unless I just topsy-turvied everything Dr. Goldman tried to teach me.
I usually don't like leaving very long comments, but I wanted to take the opportunity to say that I think 5th quarter turned a lot of us into hermits, and the groove has never been the same since then. I know there are days I feel definitely niche-less. So anytime you want to "niche" together, just let me know. :-)
But all in all, I think you will have great fun in Joplin. Despite schedule constraints and old doctors, it will be a new start, old friends mixed with new, new patterns... progress and happiness. Definitely keep me in the loop on that!
I agree with Krista...it is totally NOT too late. We haven't given up on you...we just don't know where to find you!
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