I Think a Change Will Do You...well...umm...

I grew up calling myself a pessimist.  I was pretty sure I was one.  I had basically nothing good to say about myself in any regard so I think somehow I started calling that pessimism.

Now that I'm older and so much more wiser, I think I'm actually an optimistic person.  In fact, I'm quite sure that people would describe me as such.  I believe in the good in people, I love my job, I believe that bad days will get better, I believe people can change and the list goes on.  However, I still think I struggle with the good things to say about myself, but I'm starting to call that insecurity rather than pessimism.

I had a long conversation with some of the besties this past weekend about how my insecurities have a way of rearing their ugly heads just about the time I think I have life under control.  Things get super good and I get super pumped and I bounce around all happy and excited and bubbly and ridiculous.  I mean...ridiculous.  Until something rolls along that is totally unplanned and uncool and I find myself falling backwards.

You know, I used to blame this on the boys I dated.  They weren't ready for commitment...they weren't willing to stick around...they didn't love me enough...whatever the excuse of the day may be.  But now I'm dating a (super awesome, way cute, unbelievably great catch) guy who is none of those things to the point that I can't even pretend they are the truth.  Even still...I have started finding myself insecure, and this time I have absolutely nothing to blame it on except my own absolute insecurities.

So here I find myself having to make a decision about what I'm going to believe about myself...and how I'm going to live my life...and what my expectations will be for myself.

To be completely honest, I'd rather live every day as a high day.  To the point, in fact, that I probably even force it.  It's hard for me to settle into routine because then I have to face the mundane that's still good and not scary.  I have been told by my family that I'm not good with the change thing...and the older I get, I'm inclined to believe them.  As much as I love a change in scenery, I don't handle a change in relationships well.

I guess the trick is knowing your expectations before blindly choosing some at random when it's convenient for the day.  Maybe that's what I need to work on.

Or maybe I just suck at communicating.

Either way - I feel like every few months I have a long list of self-help ideas to push me into a new age of existential cross examination and a multitude of resolutions that then take over my life until it balances out again in a happy optimistic rainbow town with cute little bunnies hopping around smiling all day long.  You know...until the next relational change sends me into a tailspin of emotion and insecurities that lead to me writing this exact same blog in a few months all over again.

Seriously, it is exhausting being me sometimes. :)