So I Have A Little Crazy...

An extremely insightful and wise friend once told me that "Everyone has a little crazy in them, it's just a matter of figuring out what kind of crazy you are, and embracing it." She just told me that around Christmastime...and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and it's application to my relationships.

I spent a huge part of my life trying to not be crazy. I always wanted to be the level-headed girlfriend or the understanding and always kind friend. It turns out, I have a little crazy. So after a week or two of rejecting this philosophy because clearly I am the exception as not-crazy...I started to embrace it and I've spent a lot of time considering it.

What kind of crazy am I? This is what I've come up with so far...it's a part of who I am and it's affected every relationship I've ever had. Some of these things I recognized a long time ago, but some of them I'm just now starting to recognize as a part of me and not a "phase".

• I am paranoid-crazy. Not paranoid of bad things happening or superstitious...but paranoid that people don't like me or I've done something to make them mad. I've had this for forever and I'm just now starting to recognize it and deal with it before it causes trouble in friendships and relationships.
• I am anxious-crazy. I like to be involved and I LOVE to sing and I really want to not fail out of school...but all that pressure makes me extremely anxious and more than one person has seen me crack under it all.
• I am jealous-crazy. This is a crazy I vowed to never be, but I've learned to accept that I expect things from relationships and whoever ends up with me better darn well accept the fact that his relationships with other women must be EXTREMELY transparent or we will go through a very difficult time in our relationship for a very long time.
  
• I am "heart on my sleeve"-crazy. I fall hard and fast and I tend to expect that from other people and sometimes get sad when it doesn't work that way for them.
• I am "too difficult to verbalize"-crazy. I have a VERY difficult time expressing my feelings verbally...at that point it tends to be a tornado of words that I have felt for a long time coming out in an illogical string for hours. Sometimes people read this as a vulnerability issue, when in reality I just want to make sure I say what I mean when the time comes...though I may have difficulty being really vulnerable at times...
  
• I am "easily excitable"-crazy. If you've met me, you understand. 'Nuff said.
• I am "over committed" crazy. I want to be involved and I try to be involved in everything imaginable. I recently recognized that some things had to go or else I would be sacrificing my sanity. I think my sanity went anyway, but it was really hard for me to give up activities I was really excited about...sigh...that's one I'm definitely still working on.
• I am "impulsive texter/emailer" crazy. If I'm mad, chances are you will get an angry email stating everything I think and feel because of my "too difficult to verbalize" crazy.
• I am "Nocturnal" crazy. Generally this crazy isn't a big deal, but it will be when I get married to a man who sleeps regular hours. In fact, it is trouble now because I can usually only be found at school after dark so the sun won't burn my skin when I leave my apt. I also notice that the time I really want to talk about real things tends to start at about 2 am...guess who's up at that time to share my life thoughts with....yeah, no one. Dang.
  
• I am "whatever makes it easier for you" crazy. I have a hard time asking for things I want or need if those things have the potential to put a burden on someone else. I'm starting to recognize that if the roles were reversed, I would always want someone to come to me with their burdens and needs and in seeing that, I'm starting to find myself reaching out more...but it's definitely been a struggle and I'm sure it contributes to my "over committed" crazy.
• I am "protect family at whatever cost" crazy. I don't care who you are or how good of friends we are...the minute you say something bad about my family or close friends...or if you treat them poorly, our friendship will be over for sure. I have no tolerance for that kind of disrespect to the people who I respect and love with everything in me. Period.
  

I'm trying to be super reflective these days on my life and where it's going based on where I've come from. I think this is a good step in the right direction to recognizing who I am and embracing it rather than fighting it. I'm trying to really appreciate me for who I am and I hope in the process other people can, too!