Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one fighting for things.
When that happens, what are the chances it means it's not something worth fighting for? If no one else joins you in the battle, maybe your fight isn't worth it.
I apologize that my posts are all about relationships, but I suppose that's what I feel like consumes my thoughts these days. You either get all my musings about my various relationships, or you're going to get my disdain for pharmacology. Your call, but for now, I pick relationships.
I was recently told that I love with my whole heart. I wasn't sure how to take that. To be entirely honest, I was a little disappointed. Love with my whole heart? Well...it sounds good, but really? Where has it actually gotten me? The answer is: not too far with a lot of whole heart hurting along the way.
So it leads me to wonder if I really understood what love was in the first place. Maybe I just try to love with my whole heart, but I'm actually just a controlling nut job who wants whatever it is I claim as my own. Now, that is not love...that is crazy. Who am I to impose some kind of rule over another person because I think I'm trying to love them when they don't know if it's what they want me to be doing. Then I'm just...that girl.
Don't get me wrong, there is a definitely a place for whole heart loving...but maybe I just don't get it...maybe I haven't figured out the right place for whole heart loving. Maybe I haven't figured out the switch for how to turn it off? I mean, I thought I did, and things definitely feel different...but my expectations are the same and there's still something there and what the heck do I do with that?
Here's what I know about love...some of it I've learned on my own, some of it I've learned from others, and some of it I picked up from Disney movies...so sue me.
Love thing #1: Love feels different. It's not like it was...something changes in you and everything seems to follow. Every kiss, every touch, every look, every thought...is tingly. At least, it was for me. The day I knew I was truly in love was the day I felt like TinkerBell was sprinkling fairy dust all over me...I felt all sparkly. Stupid, but true.
Love thing #2: Love makes you act stupid. You say the things you swore you'd never say. You actually literally miss a person when they've been gone for 15 minutes. You get all swoony and come up with stupid names for things...you call late at night, you call early in the morning, and any chance you have to say how you really feel, you take...because it consumes you.
Love thing #3: Love gives you a feeling of ownership and pride. Not in that creepy "I own you and don't you dare think about leaving this house" way, but in that "I desperately I want to keep you" way. This is the stage that brings healthy jealousy. I think it's also the stage where you learn to really appreciate the person you're with for their strengths, and try desperately to help them with their weaknesses so that their life can be a little bit better down the road.
Love thing #4: Love makes you listen more closely. You want to be able to repeat some minor detail back later on to prove you were listening to prove that you care. You want to be able to buy the right gift that they never asked for, but you know how desperately they want it.
Love thing #5: Love makes you think about all of those things you were sure you weren't ready for...but suddenly you are. You start planning trips and planning lives. Your assurance in each other is enough to make any option a viable one...and the excitement of those options overflows because it is more opportunity to spend together.
Love thing #6: Love makes everyone else seem stupid for not getting it. Sorry friends, but it's the truth. It's like all of the sudden this one person is your only ally and while you tell yourself that it's really important for everyone else to be on board, you really mean to say, "I'm sure, so you better be sure".
Love thing #7: Love makes you want to be the best you can possibly be for this one other person. Every thought they have is the most important thought, and every activity they want to do sounds like it could be really fun. Everything that they find interesting or exciting is something you start trying really hard to feel the same way about...at least try...
Love thing #8: Love catches you completely off guard and it's super hard to turn off. I thought I was in love until I actually fell in love...and when that happened I was sunk. My whole heart fell in right away and fighting that feeling has been the hardest thing for me to do.
So is it worth it? How do you know which love is the right love? Is it worth giving up love for the possibility of finding a love that you can't imagine could flow deeper or mean more? If you're sure beyond a shadow of a doubt...then can you really be asked to give that up? I mean, can a first love be just a first love, or can it be a forever love? Or should you not expect your first love to be forever love? In which case, why bother ever falling in love if you know the first time is going to end badly anyway?
How sure can you really be?
Not only that, but can I keep fighting for something I know to be true when...well, when I'm the only one fighting for it?
3 comments:
Wish I had more wisdom to share with you... and more sleep by which to think of wise things. I think that two people should be fighting for the same thing--but when that's not the case, I don't know how to tell which one is wrong. I remember being told that it's important to separate love from infatuation, and on the surface they're easy to mix up. Love is not demanding... "is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (I Cor. 13)
I've always hoped that a first love could be a forever love. If I have to give so much of myself to say, three or four relationships before finding "the one," there may not be enough of my heart left to be worth giving. But then is it better to put a wall up and not give anything to anyone? That doesn't make sense, either.
I'm blabbering too long again. You're in my prayers, and I'll let you know if I get more thoughts/insight. Have a blessed Lord's day!
i think you are exactly right in a lot of this.... and don't ever give up on it just because it doesn't always work out..... love is messy, and painful, and selfless.... but that doesn't mean that it's worth it. It's always worth it.
(Disclaimer--> this is just my very jaded opinion but I hope its good advice nonetheless)
I think fighting for something you love is great...be passionate, put it all on the line. But i think equally important is to know when to re-evaluate your fighting and if you're being fair to yourself and your heart. Fighting (for relationships/friendships) alone, I think, is a worthless fight after a certain point. Why give your everything to somebody who won't give theirs right back to you? After that point, it's all about you, the most important person in your life. Fight for you, how great you are, and the amazing things deserve...that is never a worthless fight in my opinion. Maybe we can love other people with our whole hearts, but we can't ever forget that in the process we CANNOT take the love from away ourselves to give it to a guy.
"Love the people who will be there for you, this will always include you"
I <3 you!! Again, this is my somewhat jaded opinion lol :-)
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