I was once told that I love with my whole self. I don't know what that means, but I'm starting to think it's true. I kind of throw my heart into everything I do...every relationship, every friendship, every task...it's kind of how I roll. Unfortunately, such willingness to put myself out there has led to many broken hearts and many tears shed.
I'm still trying to decide if I want to be this person; this hopeless romantic version of myself. The problem is, the experiences I've had as a result have been some of the best of my life. And even though at the end of the day I'm the one fighting back tears, I think it's ok that I've allowed myself to feel so fully.
There's this song that I love that says, "I won't regret 'cause you can grow flowers from where dirt used to be." I think it's a good reminder of the hope that comes. That each experience I survive emotionally is only teaching me how to be a little more grown up and a little better prepared for all the best things that still lie ahead of me.
I tend to gush...when I'm happy and when my heart is full I like to share with anyone who will listen. Granted, it has a tendency to make the disappointment a little more humiliating, but it has provided me with a circle of support and trust that I'm sure few others have. Even in the midst of a really horrible year, I have these lights of people that remind of the hope that lies ahead. I'm pretty lucky in that way...my travels and openness have provided me with people from all over the countryside to trust and count on when I get in over my head.
And in the midst of the last few weeks of uncertainty and confusion, but hoping with everything in me, I received this text: "well if he's worth convincing, get it done cause you're worth it." It came after I spent a day gushing and worrying about whether or not a guy would see my worth in the risk. And maybe he did and maybe he didn't, but most importantly, I think I finally did.
So I'm not just sitting and pondering how to live differently because I feel like I'm finally living right. Maybe the best I can do for me right now is to actually be kind of single for five seconds and just get through the next few months of rotations and interviews and see where life will take me. Part of me is tired of the loneliness, but most of me is so excited for the next big thing...and I just have to have a little more faith that the rest will work itself out in spite of my exhausting need to love completely.
2 comments:
What's funny is that I was told I didn't have any friends growing up 'cause I was too intense. Now I just have friends who can handle the intensity. Friends like you! Your life is not defined by who you let people think you are, it who you actually are that's important.
A. You inspire me to blog.
B. I think you are extremely right about a lot of things here, especially when you say that "it's ok that I've allowed myself to feel so fully." Yes, you can allow yourself to do that, because it's a gamble that pays off HUGE when it hits, and I think it's worth it. I on the other hand envy the people that can do that, because I hold things back and at times I wish I could feel things with people like you allow yourself to. So, keep on keeping on; it'll be there before you know it....
C. I'm excited I made the blog....
D. I don't have a "D" comment, but I hate odd numbered things, so I needed a fourth one....
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