My Heart's Asleep

Romans 4:20-21
"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He promised."

I couldn't even give an opener to top that.

And I don't have much to say.  This verse today just stuck out at me during my reading.  I'm starting to realize that I haven't really read through the Bible yet at this point in my life.  Fortunately, my attempt at getting through the Old Testament over the last year has at least given me a jumping point for some of the historical references of the New Testament.

I guess I can say this.  Today was harder than the last few days.  I think the full weight of everything that's happened in the last month is really starting to set in.  I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do with it.  I can't decide if I'm mad, sad, lonely, embarrassed, relieved...  Right now, I'm mostly feeling kind of numb.  You know that feeling when you sit on your foot for too long and you lose all feeling to it...but then about the time the numbness starts wearing off, it starts to hurt more and more until finally the blood flow is restored and it's like nothing happened?

I think it's like that.  The pressure is finally off and the blood is starting to rush back to the places that have been numb and confused for 2 weeks...and now I'm starting to feel the pain of the situation.  What scares me is that I'm just now starting to appreciate how I feel, which I think means the rest of this week will likely be difficult.

So I needed this verse.  I needed the reminder that God has made promises to me.  I'm not sure what all those promises are, but I know that He promises to love me unconditionally.  Even in my numbness.  Even when I'm angry at the universe for all the people I've lost from my life this year.  Even when I find myself crying driving home from work without fully understanding why.  Even when I'm terrified for the decisions I have to make in the coming months.

Even then, He made promises.

I'm going to work on being more like Abraham.  Rather than scoffing at the impossibilities of being the father of great nations, having a child at such an old age with a barren wife...Abraham "did not waver through unbelief regarding the promises of God".

I need to stop wavering.  I need to stop questioning my place in this world or the plant hat's been laid out.  I just need to settle in and enjoy the ride while my faith reminds me that God's already made His promises and "that God [has] power to do what he [has] promised".  Honestly, I don't know all the promises God has in store for me...and while I would love to say He has promised me some amazing husband and children and a long life and a guaranteed career...I can't say it honestly.  I don't know.  And it does scare me to wonder if the promises I'm clinging to are just my own fantasies and I'm not looking for His direction anymore.  I don't know what to do with that.  God doesn't come down from the sky to the mountaintop in a cloud to write on a tablet what He would have me do...but He does have His Spirit stir in my heart and that's probably what I should be going on.

I have a lot of figuring out to do, which I'm sure I say all the time...but it's true.  I want to have faith in the promises, but part of that faith is believing in the promises that have yet to be revealed.  And that is going to take some pretty significant effort in the faith department for me.