Sometimes life gets the best of me.

I find that stress and I are not actual friends. I think for a long time I have tried to embrace the sleepless nights as part of who I am. However, it is 315 am and I am not in bed...I am pretending to study while actually finding time to blog...when in a few short hours I have to convince an OTM professor that I know something about diagnosing and treating sympathetics (please peptic ulcer...or please Dr. Fryer....)

I had a realization today. I have no idea what brought it on, but amazingly I feel much lighter. Somehow in the course of this rather miserable day, I had a realization...a load lightening. I don't know what brought it on or how it happened. I guess I just saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I finally said everything I needed to say, maybe I finally took some rMaybe esponsibility for how I'm feeling...maybe I finally heard everything I needed to hear. I don't know...it could be any combination of the above...but tonight, for the first time in a long time, I feel like me again.

I don't feel crazy today. It's nice. I feel like I could be the friend I need to be to the people around me. Yes, there are still a few things I am dealing with, like medicine that makes me more sick than I was before I knew I was sick...and finals, blasted finals...but overall, I feel less doomsday-y.

I hope it stays. It may not depending on how Friday goes. It's weird. I feel like school has taken a baseball bat and beaten all hope of not failing out completely out of me in the last week. My test scores lately have been subpar and it's been frustrating to deal with hot and cold grades.

I think at the end of the day, I said what I needed to say. I think today I had encounters that made me realize that I have no control over the people around me. That was a good realization...and because I cannot control them, they cannot control my emotions on a day by day basis. I need to just be me. And me, as far as I can tell, is a happy go lucky person who tries really hard to do by right by everybody. It's a rough job and I get walked on a lot in it, but that's what makes me feel successful in a given day. I want to just patch things over...not sweep them under the rug, but to actually deal with them and move on from them.

I always thought I was one to hold a grudge. I don't know why I thought that because right now I can't think of anyone I hold a grudge against. I just want life to be back to normal. Not necessarily the way it was because clearly that way is not the way for me right now...but just back to normal. Back to a time when I was really truly happy with myself...ridiculousness and all. A time where I could do what I wanted for me and invite people along for the ride. I would like to go back to the beginning days of medical school where people could count on me. I want that life back...I want me back. And dang it, I think today is the start of a new me to come.

(Cue blinding light from heaven and angel's singing hallelujah chorus)