What does a passion even look like?

Tonight, in my blogger stalking, I came across this quote:

"More than anything, I just love how I suddenly became this person I've always wanted to be like!"

Really?? There is evidence that somewhere at the end of this long road that a person is actually in love with the person she became because she finally became herself. Really?

I feel like I struggle with this every couple of years. Maybe it's when the big stuff happens in my life that I start reevaluating who I've become. I also recognize that usually at that point there has been one particular person that I have been living my life for...not always a boyfriend, but always someone. And I start to recognize there are things I do at those times that I despise...or just don't like...doing.

Once upon a time I ran everyday as much as I could to prove that I could to all of my friends who did. I hated it. It felt like a chore. There was no joy in running and so I wasn't improving, I would just run my distance and be done with it...and immediately call someone to tell him I could do it. And why? He didn't care, he was my best friend and my ability to run was never a requirement of the relationship. The requirement of the relationship with him was that I would face my demons and be honest...which I was never very good at...but he tried to be there for me as much as he could within the scope of our friendship. He has since run marathons...and I'm just now hoping to run a 5K all for me in the next month or so.

In high school, I convinced myself I was in love with the St. Louis Cardinals. My best friends were, so I had to be. I realize now that I like baseball, and I definitely cherish the time I spent with those friends at Busch Stadium...but I honestly did not care. I only knew the players when they talked about them, but I was far from passionate about the game...I just wanted the social experience...I just wanted to fit in. Luckily, those friends are still some of my best, and I think they've figured out that I just don't care as much as they do...and surprisingly we are all still friends :)

Most recently I started lifting. Actually, less specifically, I started trying to make every one of someone else's passions my passion. Talk about lame. How can a person appreciate you if you never figured out who you were in the first place? Shockingly, people are generally not interested in carbon copies of themselves. I know, it really is shocking. No wonder I struggle in relationships!

So what the heck haven't I learned? I'm so much happier not trying to be this other person who makes the world go 'round for everyone else. Not to mention, even when I'm faking it, I'm not making the world go round for anyone anyway...that's not a kind of power I need to have right now.

Recently the question was posed to me, "What are you passionate about?" I couldn't answer it. Literally, in that moment, absolutely nothing real came to mind. I mean, of course, I'm passionate about my friends and family, but who isn't? What am I passionate about that makes me different from the people around me? So I started mentally making my pad answer list:

• Medicine? - ok, sure sometimes, but definitely not right now :)
• Crafts? - no, i'm still working on that dang blanket that was supposed to be done in October that I started working on in June...so far I have one lopsided square.
• My relationship with Christ - yes, and while that is a valid answer, it's still not something that is just mine

It took me some major major time. I know I am passionate about teens. I love working at camp with youth and learning from them. I adore every opportunity given to me to play with kids and youth at church or camp or the science fair...whatever. That is what brings me the most joy. I am passionate about doing something for kids and teens that will make their day a little brighter.

It scares me because that answer tells me I should have done about a billion different things that are not medicine. I hope I find a way in my practice to link together my joy of teaching and playing with kids all while making a difference in their lives. I keep telling myself that God miraculously found a way to get me into medical school and keep me from failing out so far...so He has to have a better plan than any of the alternatives at the moment.

I need a passion. A real passion that I can feed and nurture every single day. Sasha runs her butt off and is driven to do this marathon and iron man competition. She is passionate. Krista and Sarah have this amazing passion for the Bible and cross referencing and digging in deeper. Kristi is passionate about playing and teaching little kids. Beth has the Cardinals and sports in general...Steph LOVES sign language and has made a life out of it. Abby loves to sing and act. What do I truly love so much that the people around me can peg me with that love at any given moment?

I am timid, and scared and unsure. What I love to do is make things easier on the people around me. I love being a leader of a group of people with an end goal in mind because I like to hear everyone's input, which I think makes me a good leader.

I guess the problem I face now is...what am I doing right now that I'm only doing for me? Not because I feel inadequate...or feel like it's a requirement for me to accomplish this task. What am I truly doing for myself without the urging of the people around me? The things I would normally respond with are not things I'm working to improve on...they are just things I like. I like to play piano (but I'm terrible), I like to sing, I like to scrapbook, I like to crochet...? I like these things, but I could live without them in general (maybe not singing, I need that for sure).

How can you be yourself if you have no idea what is driving you? How can you make an end goal if you're not sure what of your current options are even things you want to be doing in the first place? How does a person get this far and suddenly realize they are passionless??? And now what the heck am I supposed to do to fix it???