So I Have This Philosophy...

I actually have no less than a million of them, but they're usually all about relationships.  I share them when the time comes to share them, but few people have been privy to my wise musing about life, love and other mysteries.  Until today...but first, the finale to the saga.

So this Saturday I will reach a milestone in my life.  This Sat, for the first time, a boy I have liked or dated or quasi-dated or whathaveyou, is getting married.  Like, married married.  I tend to think very few people have experienced this.  I don't know why, but today I am quite sure I am the only person ever to feel this way.  How do I feel, you ask?  Well...if I could put it into words I wouldn't blog about it.  I blog because I lack the ability to be concise and eloquent.  I blog because I can't watch you tune me out.

I have no idea how I feel about it.  Probably because I feel a lot of different ways about it and I'm trying very hard to fight off those feelings.  I would feel better if this was a relationship from years ago that ended when I made out with someone hotter...you know, me on top kind of stuff (out of the gutter, people).  It didn't.  It ended because I moved...not because feelings had changed.  I guess the most surprising thing about it is that I thought the feelings I had at the time were mutual and with a fast approaching wedding date and some very sappy status messages, I have to believe that they just weren't.  Which is ok.

Kind of.

I feel like I did the rebound phase of my life.  I had the long relationship that ended and then limped along in limbo until one day in a hellstorm of fire and fury, it ended horrifically and made me cry through family Christmas.  That took awhile to recover from...and it took a couple of rebound type dates to help me get through that recovery phase.  So I know what that relationship looks like.  I know how people treat the rebound or the less-than-serious relationship because I've both been the rebounder and reboundee.

This relationship wasn't so much like that.  However, because there is officially no chance of it happening I have to agree with the wise words of my current muse, Colbie, "it's my fault for all the kisses we had by the sea.  i am scared i won't forget you and that's why i need to let you go so hoy me voy"

In the process of moving on, I like to reflect on what I've learned about myself in a relationship.  I figure if my ultimate goal is to be a wicked awesome wifey (which, believe me, I'm getting so much practice in there's no chance I won't be), then reflection is key.  This time around I learned that I am not actually crazy.  I also learned that I have every capacity to act like a grown up and have grown up conversations.  In the same token, I learned that I'm kind of a cool chick even in my complete ridiculousness and I should be proud to showcase me as me.  I also learned that I still struggle with my self-conscious issues anad it is still acting as a barrier at times to me really being myself or allowing myself to be comfortable in situations...so I need to work on that.

Ultimately though, I'm pretty proud of this last little relationship.  In fact, I'm walking out of it not completely devastated and feeling like some miserable failure at relationships.  I really believe I did everything right.  I think I asked the right questions, was true to myself, put in the right amount of effort without being horribly overbearing, and worked very hard at letting him have his life recognizing that the relationship wasn't in a serious place and I didn't need to go poking my nose around.  Now, granted, there are some questions I wish I had asked after the fact, but at the same time, I think I'm glad I didn't.

Occasionally the thought crosses my mind that if I had met him 3 or 4 years ago we would totally end up together...but then I think about the person I was 3 or 4 years ago and there's probably not much chance.  So much of my growing up has been in the last few years.  The last year especially has been the time I've learned to see value in myself and believe I have something to offer a potential partner.

I don't really believe the timing issue excuse.  I think you make your own timing in a relationship.  If you want something to happen, you make the effort to make it happen.  You can substitute another cliche there like "go out there and fight for what you want" or "anything worth having is worth fighting for."  Whatever phrasology you prefer, the end result is the same: I'm not convinced he was ready for me in the first place.  And I completely respect that because I would not have been ready for him back in January when I was reeling from my ended relationship.  I think the timing was actually perfect, he just didn't see the value in the effort.

Which is ok because the effort would have been significant with all the traveling and decision making I have to do in the coming months.  In reality, it was probably unfair of me to rope him into it all.  At the end of the day, though, as hard as I've tried, I cannot convince myself that I was just some rebound girl to him.  I think he really did care, and I do believe he meant what he said.  And maybe that's my naive girl side coming out, but I think he really did just get a better offer.  Or maybe, to say it better, I think he didn't realize his heart was still yearning for her until she came along and gave it the option.

I can't blame her.  He was pretty awesome.  And she trained him to be that way, so she must be a pretty cool chick herself.  She really should get to reap the rewards of her hardwork on that man.  And while I'm not sure I will be able to face her or him anytime soon, I hope someday we do get the chance to make an attempt at being friends.

I peppered the philosophies around for you, so go look for them.  Obviously, you'll want to write them down, frame them and place them in inspirational places like your bathroom where all great wisdom dwells.

Oh, and I'm still aiming for that Thanksgiving 2010 wedding date so...any takers?