What does a passion even look like?

Tonight, in my blogger stalking, I came across this quote:

"More than anything, I just love how I suddenly became this person I've always wanted to be like!"

Really?? There is evidence that somewhere at the end of this long road that a person is actually in love with the person she became because she finally became herself. Really?

I feel like I struggle with this every couple of years. Maybe it's when the big stuff happens in my life that I start reevaluating who I've become. I also recognize that usually at that point there has been one particular person that I have been living my life for...not always a boyfriend, but always someone. And I start to recognize there are things I do at those times that I despise...or just don't like...doing.

Once upon a time I ran everyday as much as I could to prove that I could to all of my friends who did. I hated it. It felt like a chore. There was no joy in running and so I wasn't improving, I would just run my distance and be done with it...and immediately call someone to tell him I could do it. And why? He didn't care, he was my best friend and my ability to run was never a requirement of the relationship. The requirement of the relationship with him was that I would face my demons and be honest...which I was never very good at...but he tried to be there for me as much as he could within the scope of our friendship. He has since run marathons...and I'm just now hoping to run a 5K all for me in the next month or so.

In high school, I convinced myself I was in love with the St. Louis Cardinals. My best friends were, so I had to be. I realize now that I like baseball, and I definitely cherish the time I spent with those friends at Busch Stadium...but I honestly did not care. I only knew the players when they talked about them, but I was far from passionate about the game...I just wanted the social experience...I just wanted to fit in. Luckily, those friends are still some of my best, and I think they've figured out that I just don't care as much as they do...and surprisingly we are all still friends :)

Most recently I started lifting. Actually, less specifically, I started trying to make every one of someone else's passions my passion. Talk about lame. How can a person appreciate you if you never figured out who you were in the first place? Shockingly, people are generally not interested in carbon copies of themselves. I know, it really is shocking. No wonder I struggle in relationships!

So what the heck haven't I learned? I'm so much happier not trying to be this other person who makes the world go 'round for everyone else. Not to mention, even when I'm faking it, I'm not making the world go round for anyone anyway...that's not a kind of power I need to have right now.

Recently the question was posed to me, "What are you passionate about?" I couldn't answer it. Literally, in that moment, absolutely nothing real came to mind. I mean, of course, I'm passionate about my friends and family, but who isn't? What am I passionate about that makes me different from the people around me? So I started mentally making my pad answer list:

• Medicine? - ok, sure sometimes, but definitely not right now :)
• Crafts? - no, i'm still working on that dang blanket that was supposed to be done in October that I started working on in June...so far I have one lopsided square.
• My relationship with Christ - yes, and while that is a valid answer, it's still not something that is just mine

It took me some major major time. I know I am passionate about teens. I love working at camp with youth and learning from them. I adore every opportunity given to me to play with kids and youth at church or camp or the science fair...whatever. That is what brings me the most joy. I am passionate about doing something for kids and teens that will make their day a little brighter.

It scares me because that answer tells me I should have done about a billion different things that are not medicine. I hope I find a way in my practice to link together my joy of teaching and playing with kids all while making a difference in their lives. I keep telling myself that God miraculously found a way to get me into medical school and keep me from failing out so far...so He has to have a better plan than any of the alternatives at the moment.

I need a passion. A real passion that I can feed and nurture every single day. Sasha runs her butt off and is driven to do this marathon and iron man competition. She is passionate. Krista and Sarah have this amazing passion for the Bible and cross referencing and digging in deeper. Kristi is passionate about playing and teaching little kids. Beth has the Cardinals and sports in general...Steph LOVES sign language and has made a life out of it. Abby loves to sing and act. What do I truly love so much that the people around me can peg me with that love at any given moment?

I am timid, and scared and unsure. What I love to do is make things easier on the people around me. I love being a leader of a group of people with an end goal in mind because I like to hear everyone's input, which I think makes me a good leader.

I guess the problem I face now is...what am I doing right now that I'm only doing for me? Not because I feel inadequate...or feel like it's a requirement for me to accomplish this task. What am I truly doing for myself without the urging of the people around me? The things I would normally respond with are not things I'm working to improve on...they are just things I like. I like to play piano (but I'm terrible), I like to sing, I like to scrapbook, I like to crochet...? I like these things, but I could live without them in general (maybe not singing, I need that for sure).

How can you be yourself if you have no idea what is driving you? How can you make an end goal if you're not sure what of your current options are even things you want to be doing in the first place? How does a person get this far and suddenly realize they are passionless??? And now what the heck am I supposed to do to fix it???

Maybe I Fought the Fight Right Out of Me

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one fighting for things.

When that happens, what are the chances it means it's not something worth fighting for? If no one else joins you in the battle, maybe your fight isn't worth it.

I apologize that my posts are all about relationships, but I suppose that's what I feel like consumes my thoughts these days. You either get all my musings about my various relationships, or you're going to get my disdain for pharmacology. Your call, but for now, I pick relationships.

I was recently told that I love with my whole heart. I wasn't sure how to take that. To be entirely honest, I was a little disappointed. Love with my whole heart? Well...it sounds good, but really? Where has it actually gotten me? The answer is: not too far with a lot of whole heart hurting along the way.

So it leads me to wonder if I really understood what love was in the first place. Maybe I just try to love with my whole heart, but I'm actually just a controlling nut job who wants whatever it is I claim as my own. Now, that is not love...that is crazy. Who am I to impose some kind of rule over another person because I think I'm trying to love them when they don't know if it's what they want me to be doing. Then I'm just...that girl.

Don't get me wrong, there is a definitely a place for whole heart loving...but maybe I just don't get it...maybe I haven't figured out the right place for whole heart loving. Maybe I haven't figured out the switch for how to turn it off? I mean, I thought I did, and things definitely feel different...but my expectations are the same and there's still something there and what the heck do I do with that?

Here's what I know about love...some of it I've learned on my own, some of it I've learned from others, and some of it I picked up from Disney movies...so sue me.

Love thing #1: Love feels different. It's not like it was...something changes in you and everything seems to follow. Every kiss, every touch, every look, every thought...is tingly. At least, it was for me. The day I knew I was truly in love was the day I felt like TinkerBell was sprinkling fairy dust all over me...I felt all sparkly. Stupid, but true.

Love thing #2: Love makes you act stupid. You say the things you swore you'd never say. You actually literally miss a person when they've been gone for 15 minutes. You get all swoony and come up with stupid names for things...you call late at night, you call early in the morning, and any chance you have to say how you really feel, you take...because it consumes you.

Love thing #3: Love gives you a feeling of ownership and pride. Not in that creepy "I own you and don't you dare think about leaving this house" way, but in that "I desperately I want to keep you" way. This is the stage that brings healthy jealousy. I think it's also the stage where you learn to really appreciate the person you're with for their strengths, and try desperately to help them with their weaknesses so that their life can be a little bit better down the road.

Love thing #4: Love makes you listen more closely. You want to be able to repeat some minor detail back later on to prove you were listening to prove that you care. You want to be able to buy the right gift that they never asked for, but you know how desperately they want it.

Love thing #5: Love makes you think about all of those things you were sure you weren't ready for...but suddenly you are. You start planning trips and planning lives. Your assurance in each other is enough to make any option a viable one...and the excitement of those options overflows because it is more opportunity to spend together.

Love thing #6: Love makes everyone else seem stupid for not getting it. Sorry friends, but it's the truth. It's like all of the sudden this one person is your only ally and while you tell yourself that it's really important for everyone else to be on board, you really mean to say, "I'm sure, so you better be sure".

Love thing #7: Love makes you want to be the best you can possibly be for this one other person. Every thought they have is the most important thought, and every activity they want to do sounds like it could be really fun. Everything that they find interesting or exciting is something you start trying really hard to feel the same way about...at least try...

Love thing #8: Love catches you completely off guard and it's super hard to turn off. I thought I was in love until I actually fell in love...and when that happened I was sunk. My whole heart fell in right away and fighting that feeling has been the hardest thing for me to do.

So is it worth it? How do you know which love is the right love? Is it worth giving up love for the possibility of finding a love that you can't imagine could flow deeper or mean more? If you're sure beyond a shadow of a doubt...then can you really be asked to give that up? I mean, can a first love be just a first love, or can it be a forever love? Or should you not expect your first love to be forever love? In which case, why bother ever falling in love if you know the first time is going to end badly anyway?

How sure can you really be?

Not only that, but can I keep fighting for something I know to be true when...well, when I'm the only one fighting for it?

So I Have A Little Crazy...

An extremely insightful and wise friend once told me that "Everyone has a little crazy in them, it's just a matter of figuring out what kind of crazy you are, and embracing it." She just told me that around Christmastime...and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and it's application to my relationships.

I spent a huge part of my life trying to not be crazy. I always wanted to be the level-headed girlfriend or the understanding and always kind friend. It turns out, I have a little crazy. So after a week or two of rejecting this philosophy because clearly I am the exception as not-crazy...I started to embrace it and I've spent a lot of time considering it.

What kind of crazy am I? This is what I've come up with so far...it's a part of who I am and it's affected every relationship I've ever had. Some of these things I recognized a long time ago, but some of them I'm just now starting to recognize as a part of me and not a "phase".

• I am paranoid-crazy. Not paranoid of bad things happening or superstitious...but paranoid that people don't like me or I've done something to make them mad. I've had this for forever and I'm just now starting to recognize it and deal with it before it causes trouble in friendships and relationships.
• I am anxious-crazy. I like to be involved and I LOVE to sing and I really want to not fail out of school...but all that pressure makes me extremely anxious and more than one person has seen me crack under it all.
• I am jealous-crazy. This is a crazy I vowed to never be, but I've learned to accept that I expect things from relationships and whoever ends up with me better darn well accept the fact that his relationships with other women must be EXTREMELY transparent or we will go through a very difficult time in our relationship for a very long time.
  
• I am "heart on my sleeve"-crazy. I fall hard and fast and I tend to expect that from other people and sometimes get sad when it doesn't work that way for them.
• I am "too difficult to verbalize"-crazy. I have a VERY difficult time expressing my feelings verbally...at that point it tends to be a tornado of words that I have felt for a long time coming out in an illogical string for hours. Sometimes people read this as a vulnerability issue, when in reality I just want to make sure I say what I mean when the time comes...though I may have difficulty being really vulnerable at times...
  
• I am "easily excitable"-crazy. If you've met me, you understand. 'Nuff said.
• I am "over committed" crazy. I want to be involved and I try to be involved in everything imaginable. I recently recognized that some things had to go or else I would be sacrificing my sanity. I think my sanity went anyway, but it was really hard for me to give up activities I was really excited about...sigh...that's one I'm definitely still working on.
• I am "impulsive texter/emailer" crazy. If I'm mad, chances are you will get an angry email stating everything I think and feel because of my "too difficult to verbalize" crazy.
• I am "Nocturnal" crazy. Generally this crazy isn't a big deal, but it will be when I get married to a man who sleeps regular hours. In fact, it is trouble now because I can usually only be found at school after dark so the sun won't burn my skin when I leave my apt. I also notice that the time I really want to talk about real things tends to start at about 2 am...guess who's up at that time to share my life thoughts with....yeah, no one. Dang.
  
• I am "whatever makes it easier for you" crazy. I have a hard time asking for things I want or need if those things have the potential to put a burden on someone else. I'm starting to recognize that if the roles were reversed, I would always want someone to come to me with their burdens and needs and in seeing that, I'm starting to find myself reaching out more...but it's definitely been a struggle and I'm sure it contributes to my "over committed" crazy.
• I am "protect family at whatever cost" crazy. I don't care who you are or how good of friends we are...the minute you say something bad about my family or close friends...or if you treat them poorly, our friendship will be over for sure. I have no tolerance for that kind of disrespect to the people who I respect and love with everything in me. Period.
  

I'm trying to be super reflective these days on my life and where it's going based on where I've come from. I think this is a good step in the right direction to recognizing who I am and embracing it rather than fighting it. I'm trying to really appreciate me for who I am and I hope in the process other people can, too!

Off the Radar.

I feel like I fell off the radar.

Don't get me wrong, I guess ultimately I have brought this upon myself. I went through a pretty rough few months and had a hard time really relying on other people to help me through it. In that, I think I alienated the people who were closest to me.

It happened on accident and it happened really slowly. I tried to invite people to come play with me, but I was having a hard time getting up the energy to want to go out on someone else's schedule. Some days were just days I could not bring myself to "be myself," or whoever everyone else that that was. I felt like I would be a disappointment if I couldn't be a little hypomanic when we were all spending time together. I found myself hiding out because of my sadness...and that has apparently become somewhat problematic.

There was a time when I thought running in a bunch of different groups was totally awesome. Now I feel like it isn't so awesome. I feel really lonely. I'm not getting invited to anything because I'm periphery to everything. I mean, I know I brought it upon myself, but does it have to be like this? I know that there are a lot of events I could probably crash and not get kicked out...but I don't particularly like to feel like I'm crashing.

There are days when I get super pumped about Joplin because I could use a fresh start. A chance to make some new friends, maybe not make the same mistakes again. But let's be real. I'll still have friends who think they know best and who will do their best to tell me the right thing to do, but I'll disagree and do something totally different. I'll still be busy and find myself canceling on things just because I can't find time...or because I need some time to not do anything. There are a lot of things that I will still be figuring out. Not to mention, the density of people in Joplin will be smaller...I'll be hanging out with doctors twice my age and I'll only know...5 people in town when I get there. It's a scary consideration, but what happens if I don't make friends or lose the few I'll walk in with? Yikes.

All that to say, I suppose I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I can't go 3-4 more months without friends or a "homebase" of sorts. I'm excited to feel like I'm finally climbing out of my funk and finding that hypomanic part of me I've missed so much. I just kind of think it might already be too late for my Kirksville recovery. Perhaps Joplin and I will have a more stable friendship.

Oh to just be me...

It's weird when you suddenly find yourself becoming this person you never ever thought you'd become. I think growing up I had this idea of the strong, independent, head strong woman I would end up being. In fact, I see myself as this wishy washy, bad decision maker who will do anything for anyone just because. I mean, that last part doesn't sound so bad, but trust me, it's not great. I find myself doing the stupidest things to impress the most ridiculous of people...just because. Silly me.

I think this is another one of those transition points. You know, crossing the threshold from young adult post-college to actual almost adult who should be able to keep up with her water bill and her eye appointments. At the end of the day, I don't think I grew up enough yet. I spent so much time watching Disney movies and acting like a goofball that now when the time demands my adultness...it's nowhere to be found.

I know it sounds weird...and I'm leaving a lot of holes in the story...but I'm doing it on purpose. At one point, I blogged allllll about how I was finally secure in myself and who I was and, darn it, if somebody didn't like it, they could go lick a rock...or some such nonsense. And, for a time, that was true. A time when I had a lot of friends, was embarking a new journey, and didn't really have to concern myself with the drama that changes us with time. I mean, when I was so completely sure of myself I was single, with brand new friends that I hadn't had the chance to disappoint yet, and old friends who knew all about my crazy. Not to mention, check me out, living by myself, paying the rent, handling my own finances...woot. Adult, yes?

WRONG! Sooooo unbelievably wrong. In fact, I am still reeling from the wrongness of this exact statement. That me, single and loving it me, was an entity all her own. Completely independent of anyone or anything and able to do it all alone. All of it. Yeah, it's great when that comes back to bite you in the butt and laugh about it to your face.

Since then, it's like every insecurity I ever had has come rushing back at category 4 hurricane gusts. It's ridiculous. Smart girl who gets into med school then has become the girl who is sure she'll fail her boards and not be allowed to move to Joplin...assuming I even get to take my boards. Crazy confidence girl has become so lost in her inhibitions that the best I can do is tread water until I drown for a little while. It's a weird feeling.

Weirder still, all of these feelings are brought on by other people! There are people who have made me so keenly aware of all of my insecurities that hearing their name makes my skin crawl and I think knocks my confidence down about 100 points. In every imaginable arena. Personality, looks, Jesus-ness, hair, funness, Biblical knowledge...weight lifting, running...it's insane.

I can't figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It's good that I now recognize that I have a whoooole lot of work to do on the self that I thought was done being worked on. I am no where near ready for the challenges and feats that I thought I was mentally preparing for. I am incapable of talking specifically about my feelings to anyone else. I feel lost and alone in a crowded room. I am overwhelmed by inadequacy academically...and I have days where I feel like I can barely pray because the last thing I deserve is to make the smallest noise in the direction of my heavenly father.

This is a weird place for me to be. I have a hard time describing because I don't entirely understand it. I have a few people I talk to about it, but I can't find the words that make sense. Who the heck am I supposed to be now? What does adult Casey look like? When is that finalized because this rollercoaster is making me so sick.

I think I've learned that I defined myself by the wrong standards and when those standards were challenged and pushed, I didn't have a foothold. Talk about bad news tennis shoes. I have the hardest time seeing myself in the eyes of a God who created me with talents and gifts specific to me that no one else has. I don't get that...it doesn't make sense to me. And I think until I can grab hold of that and hold on for dear life, I'll continue to find myself caught up in this riptide of rejection, loneliness, anxiety and fear...and complete and utter confusion.

Something to work on I suppose. Clearly prayer is going to be useful for this new challenge of identifying myself by looking in the face of Christ. Deep breaths - things are going to get harder before they get any easier.

Only the Best Intentions

It's amazing the promises we make with the best of intentions that we never really thought we'd keep. I guess we call those New Years Resolutions. Regardless, I've been struck recently with how promises have become so cheapened and how my best intentions never really get my best effort. I always thought to the two should go hand-in-hand.

For example: I have recently made a goal of mine to lose 10 pounds in 6 weeks for a friend's wedding. Luckily, I have a boyfriend who eats health food like it's going out of style, works out on a regular basis, and by simply living his normal life makes me feel guilty for my indulgences. It makes the weight loss thing a little easier. Not to mention the Doctor-prescribed 2-3 mile run everyday..which is a story for another day. Whether or not I meet this goal, I'm glad I feel healthier trying.

Let's be honest: as excited as I was to run 2 miles (all running!) for the first time after years of apparently half-effort...as soon as the boyfriend left town I'm noticing that I would MUCH rather revert back to my old eating habits and the joys of sitting on my couch reading and tv watching. I guess I shouldn't find that quite so shocking, but shouldn't I be at a point where my own health and well-being is enough to inspire me to take care of me regardless of who's watching?

Example 2 (yes, we are heading toward the slippery slope of too long an entry...get over it): A friend of mine is reading a book about humanity's inability genetically to stay faithful. Women who have affairs are more likely to get pregnant because the person they are having an affair with is more likely to be a top-rung competitor in the race for the survival of the fittest. Her body wants to have the spawn of the icky guy. How weird is it that we are not even biologically set to fulfill our promise to love and cherish until the end of time. It terrifies me to think that someday my wedding vows could just be made with the best of intentions and a lack of true effort...on either part. Good luck to the poor sap ridiculous enough to put a ring on my somewhat crooked, knuckle-lacking left 4th digit. No wonder so many women are crazy.

And so I am led to believe, as I often am during such times when I allow my insanity to run a little more rampant than usual, that perhaps my relationship with Christ merely receives my best of intentions with a lack of true effort. Of course I meant it when I asked for forgiveness for that sin, and of course I didn't want to make that same mistake twice...but alas, here I am again in the same old miry clay I find myself in every so often when my intentions and my efforts don't seem to match up.

I know that we toot our horns as Christians telling the world that Christianity is not about the motions, it's about a relationship...which I absolutely agree with. My relationship with Christ is what makes me Christian, not my ability to go through the motions. However, I would counter that my willingness to go through the motions is the first of many efforts that I often overlook. The "motions" as we call them, are the exact things that are meant to remind me of how much my relationship with Christ means to me...and how much I mean to Him. Sure, I'm not saved by reading my Bible regularly, going to church every chance I get, helping out with the kid's program, praying constantly, and witnessing...but it sure does take my relationship with Christ from one of intention to one of effort. And all that effort gives that relationship meaning.

We can't expect to take the step of a commitment with only intentions to carry us through. As any married couple can attest, it's the effort that keeps the relationship afloat. Every once in awhile, someone has to give a little. Seeing as how Christ already did the whole coming to Earth to save my soul by dying on a cross and paying the price for the sins I still commit thing...I figure it's probably my turn to give a little. Christ has already made the effort to keep his commitment to your relationship. Now it's your turn to decide if that commitment you made in return was just made with the best of intentions, or will you also give it your best effort?

Oh the Lenten season is upon us...

Now that I'm a little older, Lent starts to take on a different meaning. I also find it tends to sneak up on me more than it did when I lived at home and had my dad working on his Lent sermons weeks ahead of time...I always knew it was coming.

This year, I was reminded it was Lent when my Catholic friends at school were walking around with ash crossed on Ash Wednesday. At that point I thought, "whoops, didn't see that one coming..."

Sad to say, I'm still struggling pretty significantly to come up with something pretty significant to do for Lent. My newest philosophy is while my high school days of no more chocolate, soda, secular music, more consistent tithing, more consistent devotions...were great ideas, they just became something I was giving up and holding out until Easter so I could once again gorge myself with unhealthy things and never really think about it until the next Lent.

And so...here I am, wishing giving up studying was an option for Lent. I started going to a Methodist church recently because the Nazarene church in town wasn't doing it for me. The sermon today was about making lists for Lent. It was a lot about the blessings God has for us. He closed by saying "God has handed you a blank check". I thought that was interesting. What would I do with a blank check from God?

I figure God's blank check is probably cashable for those treasures you store up in heaven (Lay up your treasures in heaven, oh people, lay up your treasures in glory where nothing in this world can take them away, oh listen children hear the master say come and lay up = choir throwback). Treasures you store in heaven are what, exactly? Showing mercy, compassion, grace? Building relationships? I'm working with this as my definition, but I'm curious what other people are storing up in heaven.

Maybe for Lent I'll write a blank check out of God's account for the people around me. I think maybe this Lent it shouldn't be about me...because Lent's not really about what I can do to better myself. Lent's about the road Christ took to Calvary...the sacrifice He made for me. Maybe that's what Lent should be for us, the sacrifice we can make for other people. I bet it will make Lent more bearable too, rather than holding out for something I've given up for the season, maybe by consciously letting God use me to bless others, it's something I'll actually do outside of Lent...since it's less of a chore for me.

I was trying to make this shorter than usual, but I've failed again :) Sorry. It all just came to me so I shared as it fell into my brain. Maybe it would be good for all of us to share a little of the blank check blessings God has given to us this Lent.